


New Memories

by BatteryAcid



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:56:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatteryAcid/pseuds/BatteryAcid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The killjoys are running from BLI, trying to get back to base and desperately trying to forget all that they've left behind. But Party finds it harder to let go than the others and his new memories are clouded by the nightmares that haunt him the second he closes his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Rude Awakening

The bomb exploded causing a sudden spray of blood and chunks of burning, blackened flesh to fly everywhere. I tried to concentrate but as I stared out of the window, at the desert ground outside, an arm, bloodied and disfigured landed right in the spot I was focusing on. On one of the hand’s three remaining fingers sat a diamond ring. And as I focused on the ring, on a ring which was familiar, a ring I had saved up for, a ring I had given her. Lindsey.

I heard the faint sound of alarm bells ringing in the distant but couldn’t pull myself away from the sight of my wife’s hand, lying palm down in the sand. I could hear someone saying my name as well but still couldn’t bring myself back to reality just yet. I didn’t want to turn and see the clumps of dark brown hair; didn’t want to see the glittering fairy wings she had been wearing shining with freshly spilled blood; I didn’t want to see my daughters head turned towards me, her eyes gazed over, gone forever. But I had to. I needed confirmation that both my wife and daughter were really dead. I heard my name again but didn’t understand it, like some foreign language, I didn’t want to understand what had just happened.

“Poison! We have to go now!”

The face in front of mine looked very familiar but with the numb pain now starting to hurt and burn my heart; the glossy white of the room where we were stood now starting to cause my head to pulse; I couldn’t concentrate on putting the face to a name.

“They’re coming!”

This voice I did recognise as the voice of my brother, Kobra. I wanted badly to turn to him and comfort him as I heard the pain and sadness in his voice but I still couldn’t turn away from the hand. Someone started to scream and in the back of my mind I wondered who was coming. A hand hit me sharply round the face but the pain I felt didn’t even register next to how my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. Suddenly, the world was moving, walls and doorways speeding past me. Screams were now all around us and the heavy sounds of footsteps banged in my ears. I realised someone was carrying me and squinted up at the person whose arms were holding me and pulling me so tightly against them. It was the person whose name before had escaped me, in the sudden rush of emotion, I had forgotten his name. Fun Ghoul’s face, his cheeks red from carrying me, was wet with tears and he was breathing heavily.

He ran fast out of a doorway, the burning sun hitting him first then me. The desert landscape streamed past us, very different to the white surroundings of the building we had just left.

“Poison…”

I looked up to see why he had spoken. But Ghoul’s face was scrunched up from the effort it took for him to carry me and run as well, his cheeks a burning shade of rouge and his breathing rapid. In a moment, I suspected he would drop me but still he kept going, the steady rhythm of his feet sounding beneath me. I wondered how he could carry on…

“Poison.”

I looked over my shoulder at the two other figures that were running alongside Ghoul. Jet and Kobra ran along, both concentrating on the horizon far in front of them, neither looking at me. I watched as their legs seemed to blur from the speed at which they were running. If neither were looking at me, then who had-

“Poison!”

*** 

My eyes snapped open suddenly and I had to close them quickly as the bright sunlight filled them. I grumbled loudly, causing the person whose foot was kicking a rhythmic pattern into my leg, to snigger. I rubbed my eyes and massaged them in my head. I didn’t want to get up yet. Another day of running, after the memory of the months we had now spent doing nothing but running, was enough to make the sores of my feet begin to ache. I opened my eyes again, this time shading them with the shadow of my hand and looked at the person who was stood over me. Ghoul’s face was smiling at me, his eyes dark with shadows, mirroring the ones under my eyes from lack of sleep, but nonetheless a smile was painted on his lips. His bandana was pulled down to his neck and his mask was nowhere to be seen. That was enough to wake me up and sit me upright. The sun had been up for hours and he had his face fully on show, ready to smile at anyone who happening to spot us out here in the desert. I wanted to slap the stupid smile right off his face at his stupidity. But before I could say anything I caught sight of Jet and Kobra, a few feet away, their forms gathered around a small fire. I watched as the dark smoke gathered in the air above the flames for a few seconds before moving higher into the air; alerting any eyes for miles around of our destination. I was immediately on my feet and running towards them, Ghoul quickly following at my heels.

“Oy! What do you think you’re doing?!”

They both jumped at the shout which came from my lips and turned sharply towards me. Jet, at least, looked apologetic while Kobra just gave me a cheeky smile as he saw how my cheeks had flushed with anger.

“You know we don’t do fires!” I spoke once I had reached them, gesturing to the smoke which was still moving at an alarming rate into the air, “Do you want them to find us?!”

I stared down Kobra’s smile until he was straight faced and had opened his mouth slightly to chew on his lip. Jet kept his head down, not looking at me.

“We just thought-“Kobra began, hurt now entering his voice.

“Well, you thought wrong! Now put it out! And get your faces covered…All of you!”

I spun around to face Ghoul at the last bit and was surprised to see that my outburst had produced nothing more than a cocked eyebrow from him, as he looked at me sideways. I tried not to let the surprise reach my face and frowning, I walked over to check our supplies. I counted the canteens of water and the few tins and packets we had left. My hand went to my head, to wipe away the small stream of sweat that had already gathered on my forehead and to massage the headache I could feel coming from the burning sun’s rays. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a shadow which had moved in front of a tin of spam. I turned to see Ghoul stood before me, his eyebrow still cocked, his arms crossed and one hip stuck out to one side. It would have been almost comical if not for the look which he was giving me, the steady glare that made me want to look at my feet and bite my lip in discomfort. I stayed stood up straight with some effort and met his gaze.

“What are you doing here?! Cover your face and put the fire out!”

I had meant it to sound strong but my voice wavered and eventually under his stare, I slumped over and sighed heavily. He could always get me out of a bad mood but something seemed different this time, he seemed generally annoyed with me.

“We can’t eat raw meat forever! And I know the supplies are low, which is why Jet and I went to empty the traps early this morning before anything else could get to it!”

I could hear the annoyed tone in his voice and didn’t want to look up at him for fear that the anger had reached his eyes. I nodded at his words, knowing full well that I could never get up early in the morning so I was grateful to the others for getting things done in the morning. Though I had gladly stepped forward in the place of leader, it should have really been Ghoul. He did the majority of the work and always had a way with words, knowing how to plough each of us on and give us fresh hope after long days of running. Even now I knew, he was only reminding me of how the others had the same problems I had, how it wasn’t just me that was tired. Even now I knew I deserved his anger.

“Kobra was sick again last night!” he spoke viscously, his words having the desired effect as I flinched with the sharpness. “I would have thought that as his brother, you would be a little more understanding!”

I didn’t bother to nod my head at this, knowing my expression would show how bad I felt when I couldn’t think of any words to reply with. I turned my face up to look into his eyes and felt the slight breeze move my hair across my face. I silently prayed this wouldn’t mean a sandstorm later and then quickly cursed myself at how fast my mind ran off track. One thought of my brother, hunched over sweaty and green as Ghoul rubbed his back and brushed his hair away from the passage of sick which was making its way out of his mouth, was enough to make the familiar stab of guilt hit my stomach.

“I’m sorry.”

The words were quiet and I realised that I was on the verge of tears. I blinked rapidly and tried to casually move my hand up to wipe the gathering water from under my eyes. I had to be strong, for myself but more importantly for the others! Two hands gripped my shoulders and I moved my face fully up to Ghoul’s to see his kind eyes and calming expression look back at me. A sad smile lingered on his lips as he spotted my tears and his hands rubbed my shoulders, making them tingle from his light touch.

“Hey! It’s okay.”

His hand moved to carefully trace the shape of my cheekbone and jaw, I simply stayed looking into his eyes. I must have shown signs of discomfort at this action as he moved his hands off me but stayed looking at me, his smile now bigger on his face.

“But seriously, next time you get wound up, talk! To me…Or Kobra, or Jet,” he added at the end as I moved myself a little away from him, clearing my throat and straightening up.

I smiled at him and nodded. A little white lie but I would never choose to burden any of the others with my problems. My nightmares … I shook the thought off quickly, aware that my smile had slipped from my face and repositioned it, meeting his eyes again. He just rolled them in his sockets, he knew how my mind wandered. After he had touched my face, things were awkward and he moved his hand to touch my back and lead me to the fire but dropped it as I started to move towards the fire on my own accord.

“Come on, I-we made you some breakfast,” he followed behind me and I was glad as he couldn’t see the redness of my face, though of course I would just blame it on sunburn.


	2. Sickness

My stomach felt uncomfortable against my belt and I knew instantly I had overeaten. The food hadn’t been this good in ages, the meat well cooked and tender and there had been enough for us all to eat their fill. I could remember Ghoul’s face looking smugly at us as we attacked our plates, eating hungrily. He always had been the best at cooking. I didn’t know how long we had been running but by the pain from the sores on my feet I reckoned it had been a few hours. We would stop every now and then to swap the bag of supplies between us. When it was mine or Kobra’s turn we would both complain bitterly until someone took the bag off us; I didn’t like the feeling of the extra weight pulling me down.

“It’s how we know your brothers! You whine and bitch as much as each other,” Jet had once commented, I’d frowned and snapped at him but it was the truth. Not that he could really comment, he struggled with the bag as much as we did. It was Ghoul that would carry if for days on end, never complaining or bringing it up in conversation until one of us had to physically force the bag from his back in an effort for him to take a break. I smiled to myself, he was just too fucking nice! Thinking of the bag, I wondered who was now carrying it and turned behind me. Jet ran a few steps behind, his hair bobbing up and down as he ran but he was keeping up a good pace and he didn’t even seem to notice me turned towards him. Kobra was further back, I could only really make out his facial expression by squinting. He was as good a runner as the rest of us but he had to stop sometimes to be sick and not wanting to slow us down would always run faster to catch up with us afterwards. Neither of them had the bag so I squinted against the sun to try and spot Ghoul behind. I couldn’t so instead turned forward and spotted him, in front of me, I wasn’t at all surprised. I could only really see the top of his head over the good sized backpack and his legs going so fast underneath him you had to really concentrate to spot two short legs running along. Despite being short, he was also the best runner. Hell, what wasn’t he the best at?!

Sometimes I liked to watch him run. It was embarrassing to admit and once he had caught me looking at him and asked why I was. I had blushed red and just muttered something which was meant to sound like a denial, not meeting his eyes. I liked to watch him because concentrating on him was easier than the alternative, thinking. The worst thing you could do, let your mind wander. But other than watch the desert landscape pass you by; with the sand stretching out to the horizon on all sides, there wasn’t much else you could do. And when you thought, you thought of all the worst things. I thought of the dangers which lurked for us out there, the wild animals which could kill us while you slept. The other rebels which could think you enemy and kill you with your back turned. The enemy themselves, their masks turned towards the light, watching you from a distance and waiting for the perfect moment. The nightmares. These were the worst for me. Images of my friends lying dead on the ground. A recent one was Kobra, his legs sprawled on the floor and his head caved in from a sharp blow. His head lay in a pool of blood and the light in his eyes was gone. Flies gathered around the blood and one landed on his eyeball, which was still and staring, staring at me.

“Poison?”

I turned around to see Jet who had stopped running and was walking towards me now, his face full of concern and looking a little nervous. I frowned at the image trying to wonder where I was. I had let my thoughts wander and mentally hit myself for being so stupid. I realised I had stopped running and was slowing everyone down. Kobra was a little way off and both he and Ghoul had stopped running. I turned to Ghoul but couldn’t see his facial expression from so far away. “Are you okay?” Jet’s voice sounded in my ears, the concerned edge still in his voice.

I turned around to tell him I was fine and make a point of starting to run again when I saw the back of his hair and realised he wasn’t talking to me. I could see the form of Kobra sinking to the floor, his hands to his stomach. My eyes widened; had I heard a gunshot? I stopped myself thinking and just ran full throttle towards Kobra, passing Jet and not caring if I was stupidly putting myself in danger. Once I had reached my brother, I knelt down to his level and tried to raise his head to catch his expression. His complexion had greened and his eyes were screwed up in a painful way. He was sweating more than he should have been and as I lifted one shaking hand to his forehead, I felt the burning heat which he was giving off. Jet and Ghoul had reached us now and both stood behind me but I didn’t turn away from Kobra to look at them.

“Is he okay?” Ghoul asked, closer to me than I had first thought, his voice in my ear.

I pushed any selfish thoughts of Ghoul away and concentrated on Kobra, holding his head up to face the light so I could study it.

“He’s burning up!”

My voice shook and I was so scared for my brother. His eyes were now open and wide, his complexion still green making the whites of his eyes stand out oddly in his face.

“Kobra, what’s-“

That’s all I got a chance to say before Kobra opened his mouth and was violently sick all over me.


	3. Crush

“It’s not funny!”

“I know…I know.”

Yet Ghoul still couldn’t keep the stupid smile off of his face. It had been a long day. All of us had agreed that we hadn’t covered enough ground so we then took It in turns to carry Kobra and the bag between us. It was tough and we definitely hadn’t gotten as far as we should have. After he had been sick on me, he had collapsed. I was so worried even now and even Ghoul and Jet’s soothing voices telling me that he had just fainted weren’t enough to stop me from feeling frantic. I had wanted to carry him the whole way, at least he could be partially safe in my arms. I would be the first to know if anything was the matter. But Ghoul had insisted on us swapping and after looking in his eyes, I gave in quickly. We had stopped running as soon as darkness had started to fall and when we had finally set up camp, the dark was thick and we all decided against a fire. Kobra had woken up and we had gotten him to drink a little water before he fell into a deep sleep. No one had suggested giving him any food because in the back of our minds, we all knew what was wrong with him, yet no one had said it out loud yet. Food poisoning.

And it was my fault for refusing them a fire. My fault for not looking out for his interests; I was supposed to be strong but I was failing badly. Before Kobra fell into his dreams, he had tried to apologise for being sick on me but I had quietened him with a kiss on his forehead. It wasn’t his fault, it was mine and seeing my still pale faced brother trying to say he was sorry as he looked up at me weakly was enough to banish any other emotions I could possibly have felt; only guilt remained. I was now using a little of our precious water to try and clean myself with, spreading it on my fingers and using my nails to pick off sun dried chunks of the raw meat we had been eating. They didn’t look a lot better than they had on the way down. Ghoul was sat a little way off watching me and I tried not to be stupid about the fact he was seeing me in my underwear but as his eyes watched my fingers as they danced around on my chest, I could feel myself blush darkly and was glad of the night to hide it.

“You know I think I got a little of my shoe,” Ghoul tutted, frowning at his shoe slightly before meeting my hard gaze with his smiling face. I rolled my eyes at him and flicked a small chunk of Kobra’s sick at him, making him flinch and wiping the smile right off his face. He flailed his arms about and one of his hands hit his plate, which was gathered on a pile with three others, and I noticed for the first time that his plate was full.

“You didn’t eat again!”

He just kept his face down and moved his arms to hold his shoulders. He looked so innocent and just like a little boy with the frown on his face. I badly wanted to lean over and pull my arms around him, enclosing him in an embrace but suppressed the feeling, watching his hunched figure instead.

“It’s more food for you guys so what do you care?!”

He spoke sharply but some of the frustration was lost as his head was still ducked down towards the ground. I moved towards him and knelt down in front of him, causing him to move his legs up and hug them tightly to his chest but in that moment I didn’t care, I hated seeing Ghoul unhappy. He was always so cheerful and was the heart to our little band of rebels. Only now did it occur to me that it might just be a front while he battled his own demons inside alone; just like me.

“I care because you haven’t eaten in days, Ghoul!”

He just shrugged at this, still not looking at me. He had been a strict vegetarian in another life so the sudden change was probably hard for him. I got that. But he had to eat. I raised one hand to move his head up to face mine. At my touch, his head snapped up but I didn’t move my hand from his chin, fixing his head in place so his eyes were levelled with mine. His eyes swam with a mixture of emotion that I couldn’t quite figure out but his eyes were enough to make my words still in my throat for a second. But only for a second.

“Listen, I get it. Really I-“

“No you don’t get it!”

His voice was harsh and he tried to pull his head away from my grasp but my hand came up to the other side of his face until I was gripping it with both hands. He stilled his head and for a moment, seemed to stop breathing at my touch. Of course it was really my breath that had stilled, it was really me that had this creepy crush on my friend. He was probably really uncomfortable and looking for a chance to get away from me but I kept his face in my hands, trying to get him to understand.

“Okay…So maybe I don’t get it. But you have to eat!”

He just nodded slightly and his head dropped down to my chest, his eyes seeming to scrutinise it. I pulled my hands away from his head, suddenly uncomfortable and wanting to shield my body from him. He looked up into my eyes and smiled at me, making any bad feelings I had felt fall away onto the golden desert ground.

“You’ve made a right mess of this!”

He used one finger to point out a lump of Kobra’s sick I had neglected and I made a face at it, reaching out for the canteen of water I had been using. But his hands got their first and his fingers were immediately on my chest, their soft points poking into me as he cleaned me, using lots more water than he should have done but I was still and said nothing. He worked away at a spot of dried sick just above my left nipple and I watched his face as he stuck his tongue out to one side in concentration and had to stop myself from lunging at him and catching his tongue in my teeth. As he pulled his hand away from my chest to admire his work, his thumb rubbed gently against the tip of my nipple. I shivered, enjoying the sensation. Ghoul’s hand was now posed over my chest. Had he felt my shiver? I thought he had but then why had his hand stilled? Why was he not turning away from me in disgust? The moments seemed to last for hours as I watched Ghoul’s face, his lips pressed together and his eyes still on my chest.

Suddenly I felt his thumb at my nipple again and stopped myself from shaking under the touch of him. He flicked the end lightly but I stayed stock still, just enjoying the sensation of his thumb, not daring to breathe. His other fingers joined his thumb and this time I did shiver, the light touch too much for my quivering chest. He giggled and I turned my head up to look at him. I hadn’t heard that sound in so long, a sound I had grown to love after being friends with him so long. In this black and unfriendly new world, I had thought the simple joys like this had been lost forever. I was snapped back to reality to see Ghoul’s face now inches from my own, his eyes lit up with an emotion I’m sure mirrored the one in my eyes; lust. He licked his lips slowly and I watched his tongue, stopping a moan escaping my lips at the sight of his lips, wet and parted begging for my own to meet them.

I looked up and found his eyes on my lips, staring at the slight gap between them, his eyes begging for permission to enter. Up close, I could see the small imperfections on his face, things I would have thought impossible on the face on someone so beautiful. But up close the black circles under his eyes were worse and on a small patch by his cheek, sat a patch of dry skin, probably from all those nights sleeping face down in the dust. Yet, it was the little things that seemed to be driving me forward, it was that small patch of dryness which made me want to run my lips over his face even more. It was the dark marks which needed my lips to smooth them away, to chase them away with a lick from my tongue. I looked at his eyes again to see they were already watching me and something in them made a force drive up from my stomach; suddenly I needed him, I needed his lips on mine more than everything in the world.

I moved forward to meet him, cocking my head to one side and he did the same, the force moving him too as it did me. A noise to one side of us made me stop and spring apart from each other. My eyes were wide as they scanned our surroundings, looking for signs of movement. But it had just been Kobra, rolling over in his sleep. Jet was breathing loudly next to him, his head lolling. I moved my gaze back to Ghoul, who sat facing Kobra, his teeth moving up to bite his lip and his knees now at his chest.

“I’m…I’m gonna go to sleep now.”

He moved away from me, leaving me dazed as he settled into a spot next to Kobra.

“Oh…Okay.”

It was all I could say and I just sat there for a few minutes thinking everything through in my head, my brain buzzing and running at a million miles an hour. Eventually, I sighed and stood up, yawning. I shivered but this time from cold and turned to my clothes. I would have to put them back on, despite the fact they were still covered in vomit. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Ghoul’s jacket laid out beside me, its presence making me frown. I looked at Ghoul who now lay deep breathing, with his thin shirt around himself for warmth. I sighed and shook my head. He was just too kind! I pulled on my trousers, trying hard not to moan at the moist sensation they had despite the fact the sun had dried most of it. I left my shirt for the minute and walked over to Ghoul, his jacket in my arms. I delicately laid it over him, watching his face all the while for signs of movement. I breathed in quickly as his eyes fluttered open, confused as he looked from me to his jacket.

“No, idiot,” he whispered, half asleep, “this was for you!”

Before I could reply, his hand pulled at my arm making me fall onto my back beside him. I rolled over to face him, slightly confused but he just used his hand to feel down my spine, making me release a small gasp as his light fingers stroked the skin. He increased the pressure on my spine making me buck my hips forward and pulling me in closer to him. While he draped the jacket over us both, I took the opportunity to inhale deeply, his hair falling slightly in my face. Good, this was creepy but he really did smell so good. I had closed my eyes and opened them to see Ghoul staring at me, a small smirk on his face. Jesus, had he caught me smelling him? But whether he had or not, I didn’t know because he simply closed his eyes and lay facing me, deep breathing. He seemed to have fallen asleep and while I was tired, I didn’t want to waste a second of my time here with Ghoul. I lifted my hand up, careful not to disturb Ghoul and reached out quietly to touch his cheek, pulling the hair back from his perfect pale face. He wriggled and his face twitched but he didn’t wake up. I rubbed my fingers in a circle over his smooth skin and leaned forwards again to breathe in his scent. Wow, I really was creepy but before it had felt like Ghoul at wanted it too, when he had looked at me with that expression in his eyes.

I froze as Ghoul’s arm came up and waved a little in the air, maybe he was dreaming, before clamping down hard onto his side. My arm lay trapped underneath his and I sighed as I reached for his hand, locked it in mine. His smile was back on his face but he was still asleep. I looked once more at his face before closing my eyes and drifting off into a dreamless sleep, praying I could stay like this forever.


	4. Realisation

I awoke to the smell of burning meat. I wrinkled my nose at the smell and turned over, not ready to get up. I picked up my hand and felt around at the ground, feeling the sand under my fingers. I wondered what I was searching for and my eyes snapped open when I remembered last night. I turned around in the dust, looking for Ghoul but he must have gotten up already. I looked down at myself and saw I was still naked from the waist up. I pulled the jacket more tightly around me, loving the sensation of the material against my skin, loving the fact that it still smelt of him. I looked up from my place on the ground to see where the burning smell was coming from and saw Jet sat by a fire. Of course, it was him cooking; that explained the burning! I lay my head back down, thinking of the running that I would have to do today then thinking again of Ghoul; which brightened my mood immediately. I looked up again planning on looking for Ghoul when I spotted Kobra, who must have woken up and who was now sat beside Jet. He looked better than yesterday, the skin still pale but looking remarkably better than he had done.

I sat up and stretched loudly, earning me two pairs of eyes on me. I looked over at them and seeing they were staring at my bare chest, blushed and quickly zipped up the jacket over me, avoiding their stares. I crawled over to them and sat next to Kobra.

“No firewood!”

The slouched figure of Ghoul came and slumped down next to Jet, who just nodded and continued burning our meat. I didn’t look at Ghoul, knowing the exact colour my face would go if I caught his eyes on mine. Instead I focused on Kobra, pushing him towards me, one hand on his back. 

“How are you?”

He smiled at me, neither of us yet properly awake and wrapped an arm over my shoulders, giving me a half hug.

“I’m fine! Stop worrying!”

I just rolled my eyes at this, chance would be a fine thing.

“Of course, I’m going to worry, I’m your brother, stupid! It’s in the job description!”

He grunted at my feeble attempt at a joke and turned to watch the fire, he was probably hungry after not eating yesterday but both he and I knew it was still too soon.

“You been sick again?”

He shook his head and continued watching the fire. I looked up to catch Jet looking at me over the flames. He nodded at my raised eyebrows confirming what I had already guessed, Kobra had been sick again, he just didn’t want to worry me. I pulled Kobra in for a proper hug, planting a kiss on his cheek. He just batted me away, grinning foolishly at me for being so soppy. I could feel Ghoul’s eyes on me but chose still not to look at him. Jet cleared his throat and was met by three looks as he continued to poke the fire with a blackened stick.

“So I was wondering,” he begun, still not making eye contact, “Why are you wearing Ghoul’s jacket?”

He lowered his eyes quickly from mine as he looked up to show the question was directed at me before coughing awkwardly again, probably wishing he could take the words back. Kobra was looking at me too and my face filled up with a colour so familiar over the last few days that I was surprised it didn’t chose to stay that way permanently. Ghoul looked uncomfortable when I looked over at him, choosing to watch the fire instead of looking at me. He probably felt bad for what had happened, probably felt embarrassed that in his sleep deprived state he had tried to kiss me. I felt ashamed by this but what had I really expected, him to like me too? 

“So, think you can run today?” Jet filled the silence, obviously changing the subject but we were all glad of the breach in the quiet. Kobra looked up at him and nodded enthusiastically. I caught a glint of something in his eye, could it be pain? He was probably still weak from the day before, having not eaten, we all knew he wouldn’t be able to run. Jet looked embarrassed for asking and opened his mouth again to talk.

“Okay so you can’t run! It’s just that I’m not sure if I carry you again, my feet are killing me!”

He rubbed the soles of his shoes to prove a point and I could feel my feet throb in response to his words. I would carry Kobra alone if I had too, but something told me I wouldn’t last long.

“We need to keep moving though,” I spoke up and three heads nodded along with mine.

We hadn’t covered enough ground and we couldn’t slow down. Not after we had gotten this far.

“We could walk?” Ghoul’s suggestion received a frown from me but he still wasn’t looking at me so didn’t see it.

“But-“ I began.

“Don’t you see, it’s the only way we can carry on. We would be making some progress if we didn’t stop til nightfall and that way Kobra could walk by himself. Right?” Ghoul turned to face Kobra who nodded slightly, probably still wanting to protest that he could run but giving in to this new suggestion. I still frowned at Ghoul but gestured towards the plates which he passed me and I started putting meat on three of them; I felt bad for Kobra as he watched but it really was too soon for him to eat.

“If we run, I can carry him!” I spoke, trying to sound strong.

Despite the strength in my voice, this was still met by laughter. I was glad of the laughter when it had been Ghoul’s last night but not now when they were laughing at me!

“What?” I asked trying to sound angry but failing, the sight of my brother laughing happily made it difficult to stay cross.

“No offence, honey but you’re not exactly macho!” Ghoul winked at me mischievously as he spoke.

I picked up a scrap of meat and aimed it at his head. It landed in his hair and he flapped it away, throwing me a death stare. I just stuck my tongue out at him cheekily and finished filling the plates. I passed one to Ghoul, whose hand tickled mine lightly as I passed it to him. I tried to stay looking normal but could feel myself getting a little hot as he winked at me again, his plate now in his hands. How could he do that to me so easily? I cursed myself for being so stupid, passing Jet his meat and settling back down in the sand. I avoided Kobra’s look, he had probably caught that last wink, and if not that then the flirting before might have done it! Still though I just stared at the fire and fed small pieces of meat into my mouth. Eventually, my brother sighed, giving up on trying to get my attention and packing away the supplies. Jet finished his food first and began putting out the fire, spreading the wood out with his feet so that it was less obvious we had been there. I finished my meat and packed the plates away, leaving Ghoul’s to the end. His plate was clean but I knew if I looked hard enough at the ground around him I would find his meat scattered there. Nevertheless as soon as we moved on, some animals would happily feast on it so I didn’t need to worry about the meat signalling our location. While I cared about him wasting meat, I knew he had only done it to get me and the others off his back about not eating and decided to leave it for now. Not that I imagined I could get angry at him, ever…

“I’m sorry about this,” Kobra spoke up, making me realise that we had been in silence up until then, “If I wasn’t sick then we could cover more ground an-“

“Don’t apologise!” I silenced him with a steely determination in my eyes which he recognised straight away and looked away from me, “It’s not your fault!”

He looked as if he was going to say something, meeting my eyes again, looking so guilty. It made me feel sad and in that moment, I knew I would do anything to make him smile again.

“Yeah, it’s Poison’s fault for making us eat raw meat!” Ghoul grinned at my open mouth, his smile infectious, causing my lips to twitch upwards. 

I gave him the finger, causing him to giggle and I saw the flash of his tongue as he stuck it out at me, scrunching up his eyes in an adorable way. My mouth dropped a little more at the sight of his tongue and I snapped it shut quickly as I realised Jet and Kobra were watching me. Ghoul just smiled and moved to his feet, preparing for the walk ahead. I sighed loudly and pulled myself up, feeling my feet scream in protest but ignoring them and setting my eyesight on the glowing desert horizon.


	5. Little brother

“Do you want your jacket back?”

I had been trying to figure out what to say for over an hour but had come up with nothing better than that. We had been walking for a while until we had eventually moved to walk in this way with Ghoul and I up in front and Jet and Kobra behind us. I guessed they could both tell we needed to talk and leaving us behind, carefully making conversation, they had dropped back slowly, leaving us in silence awkwardly walking along. After the first few miles, Kobra’s face had become hard and it was obvious he was struggling. Without a word, Jet had slung Kobra’s arm over his neck and taken some of his weight. Kobra looked on the verge of arguing but I squeezed his shoulder, making him turn to me and gave him a look which made him roll his eyes but after that he accepted the help. Now it was just me and Ghoul and when the quiet had grown almost unbearable, I had settled on what I was going to say. Only now I had said it did I realise how feeble it really was. I looked up to catch Ghoul’s eyes but found they were already on me, a sparkle in them as he watched me, making me feel a little uncomfortable.

“No, it’s okay, really! Keep it!”

“I’ll give it back to you later then! It’s not fair for you to get cold because of me. I packed my other clothes…”

He rose his eyebrows at me saying I would give his jacket back to him later, in a sort of ‘Oh, you think?’ way before he looked down at his shoes, causing me to look away too. I didn’t know what to say next so had decided to drift away into my thoughts so as to avoid saying something embarrassing, when he spoke up, causing me to jump and my attention to be focused back on him.

“Hey, about last night,” my eyes were immediately on him, trying to pick up any sign of regret or disgust on his features but he stayed looking relatively natural, maybe purposefully but successfully so that I couldn’t pick up any emotions from him. “I-“

“Hey, Poison! Come give Jet a break!” Kobra shouted over to us, causing a stab of annoyance to hit me, immediately followed by guilt.

I stopped walking, hoping Ghoul would too but he stayed marching on, his eyesight focusing forwards. I watched him walk away for a second, carefully pulling my eyes away from his perfect looking arse to turn towards Jet and Kobra. Jet picked up Kobra’s arm with ease and manoeuvred it onto my shoulder. He was light and I knew instantly that ‘giving Jet a break’ had just been a ploy so that I would have to talk to him. And I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. He waited until Jet had ran ahead to Ghoul before speaking.

“So…How are you, _honey _?”__

 _ _I looked up at him to see a hint of a smile there but the discomfort of walking seemed to be enough to stop a full smile spreading on his lips.__

 _ _

“What?”

He just rolled his eyes at me.

“Ghoul! He called you honey! You know before…This morning.”

“Oh really…I didn’t notice!” I lied badly, causing him to sigh at me for being an idiot.

I had been going over the phrase in my head and had eventually drawn the conclusion that it meant nothing. Or did it?

“Do you think he likes you?” he asked, carefully avoiding the question he probably wanted to ask; did I like him?

“What? Because he called me _honey _?”__

 _ _“Well, he’s never called me that. Or Jet, for that matter!”__

 _ _

So that’s what they had been talking about!

“Does it have to be everyone’s business?!”

I hadn’t realised how sharp what I had said had been until I had spoken. I looked anxiously at Kobra to see his response but he just looked forward, carefully keeping pace with me. I was scared it would get uncomfortable; it had never been awkward between me and my brother before and I hated to think anything to do with Ghoul could change that.

“It’s everyone’s business, Poison,” he spoke quietly, seeming to make an effort to keep his voice equal, “Because we are all stuck together. If something happened…If you and Ghoul did get together, it’ll be great. I’d be happy for you. Really, I would!”

He gave my arm a squeeze and smiled at me, a sad understanding smile. He could tell how much I liked him, I had never felt this way about someone before and wanted to tell him that, but couldn’t find the words without sounding seriously whipped! Though I guess I was…

“But you have to think about if something went wrong! If it did … I’m not saying it would! But if it did… Then we are stuck together and you wouldn’t be able to just end it like any other relationship! You would have to see him every day and me and Jet would feel the brunt of any bad feelings too. I’m sorry if I’m sounding selfish-“

“You’re not! No, I get it, I understand…” He could never completely understand the way I felt about Ghoul, there was no way of telling him in words how Ghoul made me feel but did I want anything with Ghoul to hurt my brother, to upset him and hurt him more than he was from this stupid fucking food poisoning, that was my fault in the first place?! Of course not, no matter how much I fell in love with Ghoul, I loved my brother and he came first. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him so settled with a ruffle of his messy hair and a tender kiss on his forehead. He didn’t try and shake me away, instead placing his head on my chest while we walked. I realised Ghoul was watching us, turned slightly to look from where he stood in front with Jet. I smiled at him and he smiled broadly back at me, moving his hair out of his face with one stroke from his hand and I had to look away as I felt my face grow hot. God, why do you hate me? If this is love, then I’m not sure if I want to feel like this! One more look at Ghoul made these thoughts drift away, he smiled at me once more before turning to Jet.

“I love you,” he muttered it into my chest, making me sigh happily and look fondly down at Kobra from his position at my shoulder. He tilted his head back to look at me and I saw such love in his eyes that I gushed with sudden devotion for him and beamed at him.

“I love you too!”

We walked like this for a while before Kobra moved to walk normally again, his neck probably strained from the effort to keep his head from drooping. The silence was nice now, it felt normal for the first time in ages. We could have just been two brothers out for a nice walk in the sunshine on a lazy afternoon, if not for the desert surroundings and for the fact I’m pretty sure Kobra was about to keel over in exhaustion at any moment.

“Things sure change, huh?”

I nodded at this. Life had taken a change for the worse but I believed we and the rest of the rebels were adapting well to it, making the best out of a fucker of a situation. It had been hard but here with Kobra, life suddenly seemed okay. I was okay, for now.

“Hey, Ghoul! Come over here a second!”

Kobra’s voice interrupted my thoughts and Ghoul turned around and started walking towards us.

“What are y-“

“I’m going tell him what I told you.”

“Kobra, you don’t even know if he feels the same as I do!” I whispered furiously at him, Ghoul was getting dangerously close now.

“Oh course he does!” Kobra smiled at me, making no attempt to be quiet, despite the fact Ghoul was now within hearing distance.

I had just enough time to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and wipe a trail of sweat from my forehead before Ghoul came up to us, looking so composed and calm, like he had been in this situation a hundred times before. I carefully pulled Kobra off me and readjusted him on Ghoul. Ghoul smiled at me, his dimples making me want to sigh and possibly even, wait, fling myself at him? I realised I was staring and while Ghoul didn’t seem to mind, I looked away nervously. I realised my arm was still on Ghoul’s and coughed slightly, looking at my feet.

“Err, Poison?”

Kobra gave me a shooing gesture and I nodded quickly, showing I understood.

“Right, yeah! Good luck!” I spoke, winking at Ghoul before turning away.

I heard Kobra give an irritated tut at my childishness but Ghoul stayed silent. I hoped he was watching my arse as I walked away. Thinking about Ghoul, I didn’t notice as a rock loomed into my path and tripped clumsily over it just keeping my balance. I blushed red and heard Ghoul snort behind me, making me walk quicker to catch up with Jet. At least I now knew he had been watching me walk away! Jet smiled at me, his grin wide as he spotted me.

“Hey! What did Kobra want?”

“Oh, nothing really!”

Jet seemed bummed at his lack of gossip but I didn’t really care and looked causally, or I hoped it looked casual, behind me at Kobra and Ghoul. Kobra talked quickly and Ghoul nodded every now and then, at one point giggling, his cute dimples showing again on his face. He looked up and caught my eyes, seeming unable to pull away in that second and I turned away first aware Jet was talking to me. I could feel Ghoul’s eyes on me as I walked.

__

__


	6. Lust

Kobra chewed experimentally on the small scrap of meat in his mouth before swallowing it. We didn’t offer him anymore in case he was sick but I just prayed he would keep it down. After today’s slow progress we really did need to start running again. Plus, I’m not sure if I could face another day of forced conversation with Ghoul. I looked up from the campfire where me, Kobra and Jet were sat, over towards Ghoul, who sat hunched over a little way away, his head down looking at something in his lap. I moved towards him, crawling on my knees and ignoring the looks I was probably getting from the other guys. I reached him and paused for a second, waiting for him to turn and look at me. He hadn’t noticed me so I lent forwards slowly until my lips were at his ear, quietening my breathing and staring at the soft skin on Ghoul’s ear lope for a moment before speaking.

“What you doing?”

He jumped, knocking his shoulder against my nose and causing me to moan in pain. He had sprung away from me, looking shocked and a little scared, until he focused on my face and my now red nose and giggled. I wrinkled my nose to test it and decided it was okay, just a little sore. He looked like he wanted to apologise but couldn’t find the words, after all I had snuck up on him. I crawled forwards towards him and slumped down in the sand next to him, he relaxed his shoulders as he looked at me, his face tranquil as he ran his eyes up and down me. I coughed uncomfortably before pointing at the small square metal object he had in his lap. It was been so long since I had seen it, I had almost forgotten what it was.

“What are you doing with the transmitter?”

Maybe a month or so ago, one of us had stupidly left it out in the sun on a hot evening and the batteries had fried. I know nothing about electronics but even I could see the transmitter was dead. It still looked dead in its blackened state on Ghoul’s lap except he had opened the back and pulled out a few green wires.

“Oh, just messing with it, really. I figured if we could replace the batteries with some sort of metal panel then we could work the wiring and make the transmitter solar powered!”

“Wow,” I spoke, suddenly interested, “You can do that?”

“No, but cool idea, huh?”

I rolled my eyes at him and chuckled deeply. His eyes were on me again but now I welcomed his stare, supposed to feeling uncomfortable.

“Well, maybe leave it to Jet? He’s more … Technical!”

I struggled with my words, not wanting to be mean but still I didn’t want him messing it up even more.

“Hey!” Ghoul narrowed his eyes at me, before giving me a small smile to show he was joking.

I smiled back and widened my eyes a little at my forgetfulness before jumping to my feet, causing him to flinch and running over to the fire. I picked up Ghoul’s plate and carefully positioning my back so he couldn’t see me, dumped the remainder of my meat on top of his. Jet and Kobra had now settled down to sleep and while Jet snored loudly, Kobra opened his eyes drowsily as I clattered around with the plates. He watched me and caught my eyes as I rushed back over to Ghoul, giving me a smirk but not saying anything.

“Here!” I dumped the plate on Ghoul’s lap where he looked down at it for a moment in surprise before sighing at it and pushing it away from him.

“Thanks, Poison!” He spoke, bitterly, before turning back to the transmitter.

I sat down opposite him and picked up a piece of meat in my hands. He looked at my hand warily but didn’t complain too much when I raised my hand up to his mouth and stroked one finger against his lower lip. He parted his lips slightly and I shoved in the meat before he could protest. He coughed slightly before giving me a death glare and swallowing the meat. He looked about to say something when I reached for the meat again. He just shook his head at me before accepted the meat after I had once again stroked his lips. It became a sort of game, getting harder and harder for him to accept the meat each time. I had to press my fingers into his mouth and battle his tongue in an effort to get him to swallow. I loved the feeling of his mouth, his hot breath against my fingers and the wetness of his tongue as he traced the outline of my fingers with it. All the while, I stayed looking at him, our eyes never leaving each other’s, me enjoying watching the reflection of the flames in his eyes, that were now growing weaker and weaker as it burned itself out.

I reached down to get yet another piece of meat before feeling his hand stop mine. His eyes left mine to pry my fingers off of the plate and he moved to place them on my lap. His hand touched my thigh as he did so and I felt my leg move after his hand as if it needed his touch. I pulled my leg back before he could notice and watched him as he picked up some meat, twirling it in his fingers, teasing me, his eyes lit up in a mischievous way. He waved the meat in front of me for a second and I stuck out my tongue so as to catch it but he flicked it away again. He parted his lips and placed the meat there, the end of the scrap poking out like a small, darkened tongue. His eyes were still lit up and I felt my cheeks flush as I realised what he wanted me to do. I moved forwards onto my knees and lent down til our eyes were equal. His mouth turned up in a smile as I opened my mouth and pulled at the meat with my teeth. He let go quickly and I was disappointed for a moment, having hoped he might have wanted something more. His eyes told me he did but maybe he didn’t want to spoil our friendship. Just like my brother had said. But in the light of the fire, with the stars above us, Ghoul looked so radiant, his hair perfect, his eyes huge in his face, his skin pale and beautiful; I knew that I couldn’t stop myself thinking of how his lips would feel against mine.

I pulled the meat out from my mouth and flung it over my shoulder, gazing into his eyes. I leant forwards slowly, giving him chance to pull away if he wanted but he raised his face to meet mine and I heard him inhale sharply as our lips first touched. We were still for a second, both of us just enjoyed the light pressure of the other against our lips. I moved first, my heart beating so loudly, I felt like I could feel the blood pulsing through my lips, between us. I opened my mouth and gripped his lower lip in my teeth, nibbling lightly on it and making him moan. This was how I had always pictured it, how I had always dreamt it would be. I suddenly felt his tongue run itself along my bared teeth, as if to loosen them from their grip. All I did though was bite harder, making him moan again; God, I loved that sound. I let go to use my tongue to lick his lips. I traced the outside before carefully running it over his upper lip, making him part his lips. Quickly I moved my tongue so that it was in his mouth and once there, I began searching the corners of it, tasting everywhere and running up and down the cave of his mouth. His tongue reached out to stop this action and I loved the wet feeling that was between us, loving the pressure of him. I reached out one hand nervously and gripped his hair, pulling it and playing with a strand in my fingers. His eyes opened and found mine, the pupils glistening as I reached out my other hand and found his face. I stroked the skin there and my touch made him quiver. I was taking control now, my tongue wrestling him and my hand pulling at his hair until his face was turned up to face mine, me raising up on my knees so that my tongue could reach far down into his throat. Suddenly, I felt his arms wrap themselves around my middle and pull me forwards, stilling me in his mouth as I felt his hips grind against mine. I gasped into his mouth and ran both my hands down his back, tracing his spine and gripping his arse, cupping it until he was pulled off the ground and onto my lap. I started to rock myself up against him and heard him gasp back at me at the pressure of my hips. His legs were wrapped around my middle and his hands in my hair, pulling it harder and harder as he pushed my tongue out of his mouth and started to take over my mouth. I fought back as much as I could, digging my fingers harder into his arse and hips, pushing him until he bucked against me. I moaned and felt myself go semi-hard against him. I felt him smile as he pushed himself harder against my crotch. This was all going really fast and I wasn’t sure why I was even thinking about this. I wanted this, he wanted it. Stop thinking for once in your life and enjoy this!

Being lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice as he pressed himself further onto me and pushed me backwards until he was almost lying on top of me. I snapped out of my thoughts, realising too late that I was falling. I tried to use Ghoul to steady myself but ended up just pulling him down on top of me. The back of my head hit the ground with a bang and his head came forward, hitting mine and causing us both to moan in pain. He sat up, still on my hips, rubbing his head with his palm and moaned quietly. I just stayed still, the wind knocked out of me not able to speak. He sighed loudly and pulled off me, making me moan as I felt his weight shift from my hips. I wanted to tell him to carry on, tell him I wanted him but couldn’t catch my breath.

“You okay?”

I just nodded at him and accepted his hand as he pulled me to my feet. He let go of my hand and we stood side by side, both still breathing quickly. Oh, why did it have to get awkward, why did my stupid thinking always have to ruin everything?! He looked at me, knowing I was now lost in my thoughts and picked up my hand in his and gave it a squeeze before turning away from me to lie down next to the now dead fire. I wanted to call after him but felt like a small kid confused after being scolding, not knowing what I had done wrong. He opened one eye from his position on the sand and used his hand to pat the space on the ground besides him. I sat down next to him and he sat up next to me. The silence was uncomfortable and I waited for him to speak. He didn’t though, just cautiously raising one hand like he expected me to pull away and pulling down the zipper of his jacket. I helped by pulling my arms out and lying down, leaving him to cover us with the material. I closed my eyes for a second, waiting for the soft touch of his jacket against my torso but it didn’t come. I opened one eye to see Ghoul watching me, looking down at my chest hungrily. He ran one hand down my chest, making my breathing pick up again and paused his fingers over my belt bucket, his eyes gleaming with an emotion I couldn’t trace. He smiled at me, looking perfect and removed his hand from me, covering us up against the desert’s cold breeze. I tried to hide the disappointment in my face as he lay down beside me but didn’t do a great job as he caught my expression and leaned in towards me.

His hair tickled my face and I breathed him in, moving to nuzzle his neck, planning to get my own way by sucking gently on the skin there but he pulled away from me, his eyes covered a little by his hair. I tried not to look hurt but once again didn’t contain the feeling well enough. He moved forward, until our noses were almost touching and sighed deeply, looking at me.

“Believe me, Poison,” he whispered, his eyes showing that hungry quality again, “I want to!”

I smiled at him, trying to move forward again, wanting him now more than ever but once again he moved away leaving me feeling anxious and the lust just growing hungrier inside of me. He pushed my shoulders back so he could look properly into my eyes. I looked at his expression and saw him smiling, lust mirrored in his big eyes.

“But I want to get to know you first!”

I frowned at this. I had known him for how many years now? I think I knew him well enough. Well enough to release the kind of hungry, needy moans he had been making only a moment ago, anyway. He giggled at my frown but kept his hands tight of my shoulders.

“I want to get to know you … As my boyfriend!”

He ducked his head a little, embarrassed about saying it out loud. I picked up his head with my hands, catching his cheeks, which were burning red and smiled at him. He smiled back and tilted his neck backwards, so that I could see the soft skin there. I pulled forwards quickly but stopped myself from biting him like I so greatly wanted to, instead planting kisses on his neck, a path of kisses all the way up to his lips. I licked my lips to wet them before pressing hard against Ghoul’s lips, not attempting to move my mouth against his, just enjoying the pressure. With a lot of effort, I pulled away and looked at his face. He looked at me longingly, seeming to regret the decision to want to get to know me first but smiling widely at me, thanking me for understanding. I didn’t want to understand and huffed a little to show I wasn’t 100% happy about it but pulled him in so his head was resting against my chest, his arms around me. I breathed into his hair and I felt him relax against me. It felt so good yet so alien to have his head there, but I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

“Is that a yes?”

He spoke carefully, like he was preparing himself for a negative answer. I planted another kiss into his hair, gripping him tightly in his arms until I heard him give a happy sigh.

“That’s a yes,” I whispered and turned my head to the sky, looking up at the stars there as they twinkled down at me happily before closing my eyes and taking Ghoul with me into sleep.


	7. Real

The screams found me first, travelling down the long winding corridors to grip me with fear and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. The sounds of women and children crying and shouting made my legs start to move, running manically towards the room at the end of the hallway, a room I knew all too well. As I raced through the doorway, I stopped seeing Ghoul, Kobra and Jet already stood, watching with pained expressions and opened mouths at the sight they saw out of the window. None of them turned to look at me when I entered, their faces too scared, all seemingly locked into silent screams. I followed their eyes and froze at the sight. Out the window, you could see a courtyard, the only visible colour a brilliant shining white, the colour blinding and mirroring the room we were in. In the centre of the courtyard stood a group of terrified looking women and children. The children looked wide eyed at their mothers as they screamed in terror while the women hugged them and rocked them in their arms, crying madly and trying desperately to soothe their children’s screams but most of them were screaming themselves, their faces locked into pictures of horror. Suddenly, the world seemed to go quiet as my eyes locked onto a woman with jet black hair and a beautiful, dazzling face that I knew all too well. She stood holding a small child in her arms, that I now saw to be Bandit and stood clutching her and stroking her hair gently, pushing her against her shoulder with tears staining her face. Her eyes were closed and she couldn’t see me, her brow wrinkled up into a frown like she was trying hard to scream like the other women.

I heard Ghoul begin to scream and I guessed he had now spotted Jamia and his children amongst the strange faces. Because in the crowd stood all our wives and children; Alisha and Christa stood together, hugging each other and crying, their arms clinging onto the other. The sound was too much, the sight was too much and for a second I thought I was going to faint. Jet moved first, his legs carrying him quickly to the window where he punched the glass furiously, his hands starting to spout blood as they hit the impossibly hard glass again and again. My brother and Ghoul joined him, desperately clawing at the glass to get to their loved ones but I just stood watching them, numb. Because I knew how this ended, knew what was about to happen. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I let it run, knowing this would be the last tear I would cry for my wife and child.

“Poison!”

Ghoul’s voice travelled to me through my thoughts and I pulled myself back to the present to see his face, pleading at me to do something, to help them. But all I could do was raise one shaking finger back towards the window, making them all stop and look. Outside all sounds had stopped and they were all turned towards us, their faces sad but no longer crying. Lindsey was looking at me, her eyes big and sad and I dropped my gaze to look at Bandit, her face now still and seemingly calm despite everything. I saw her mouth one word, ‘Daddy’ before turning back to my wife, who just stood watching me. Her mouth opened and I saw her mouth the one word, the one thing that only she could say, a word that I had thought gone now. It was something that belonged to my old life, a life now dead and gone just like Lindsey and Bandit would be, soon.

Gerard.

I started to mouth at her, the only three words I could think to say, the only words which really mattered.

“I love-“ I spoke out loud but that was as far as I got before the ground underneath them gave way. An explosion sounded and the bodies of the women and children disappeared, falling slowly down into the pit the bomb had created beneath them. Blood showered on the ground over them and unattached limbs fell from the sky. The burning smell of flesh, the fresh smell of blood, the sooty smell from the explosion all mixed together to form a horrible perfumed smell, a smell that I believed I would remember for the rest of my life. But something was wrong, something was different. I fixed my eyes on the spot where the arm should land, where the ring would be, Lindsey’s arm, but it never came. I blinked, trying to conjure up the image of it, palm down in the dirt, bloodied and disfigured, just three fingers left. But it never came, the last part that connected me to my wife was gone. A second explosion sounded, most closer than the first and the force of it blew the glass out of the window frame, the sound ear crunching and the force of it making us fly off our feet. I hit the opposite wall, hard causing my head to spin and the room to squirm around in front of my eyes. The smell of blood was stronger now and I supposed it was mine. I closed my eyes tight until the room stopped moving and opened them wide, now feeling the pain of something lodged in my arm. I looked down at a large shard of glass as it stared back at me, its sharp edge causing red liquid to flow freely from my arm. This was just a dream, I remembered, a dream I always had. And yet it was different, it had changed. The pain was real and no matter how hard I closed my eyes, the image of the broken window with black smoke now swirling in the air outside, remained. I looked quickly to my left and saw two figures slouched limply against the wall there. Ray’s head lolled and blood poured from an open wound there, the blood was covering his eyes but they just swam in the liquid, unblinking and staring at something I couldn’t see. Mikey lay with him, his face upwards on the wall, his neck up straight so he was facing me. But the glass shard in my arm was nothing compared to the one sticking out of his chest. His arms and legs were sprawled and the blood was starting to gather around his head. His eyes bored into me, hating me and blaming me for not saving them sooner. ‘You knew!’ His eyes screamed at me, ‘You knew this was going to happen!’ I started to sob, wrecked sobs escaping my throat as I begged Mikey to sit up, to laugh at my tears and come over to hug me, some stupid joke that he, Ray and Frank had thought of … But he lay still, just watching me.

“Gee…”

The whisper came from my left and I turned sharply, causing a hiss of pain to escape my mouth. The crumpled form of Frank lay a few metres from me, his arm bent backwards in an awkward way but other than that looking okay, he looked almost perfect. He looked at me, his eyes big and scared, his face covered in someone elses blood. I wriggled my body towards him, ignoring the screaming pain of my arm and reached out my hand for him. The touch of his skin against mine was so real, I knew now that this wasn’t a dream, that this was real. He started to cry, tears down his cheeks, soaking his face with water. I wanted to hug him to me and quieten his cries but I couldn’t reach him. It was all I could do to keep holding on to him, my arm aching from the pain of the glass still. Suddenly a crack came from above us and we both raised our heads to see the large black crack zigzag its way across the ceiling. I looked at Frank’s surprised expression and saw his eyes widen in horror as the piece of the ceiling just above him came crashing down on his head. I lay dazed, looking at the space where Frank once lay, his body now covered with plaster and bricks, only his hand sticking out, his quickly paling fingers still clutching mine. I tasted his blood on me and looked down at our clasped hands to see a chunk of his flesh gripping grimly onto my hand, its pale colour mixed with the blood red stains that coated me.

I looked up just in time to see the ceiling give way and I knew my life was about to end. My last thought was of mine and Frank’s hands, holding onto each other for all eternity. Then the world turned black.


	8. Over the edge

“Wake up, Poison!”

Two eyes glistened at me, the darkness surrounding them making them all the more menacing and my mouth opened to allow me to scream out for help. My nightmares had finally crossed the border into reality. That’s when I noticed the mad hedge like hair that was visible even in the pitch blackness that I had grown so accustomed to in the desert, when the stars disappeared behind dark clouds, leaving us with no light, except the glow of our own eyes as we watched each other, trying to hide the fear which we all felt. That small childish fear of the dark that no one could shake. The feeling that we weren’t alone.

I felt Ray’s hands on me, still shaking me even though he could now see I was awake. I was sweating and tears stained my face. My breath was loud and my throat felt sore like I had been screaming. Yet when I turned to Frank, he seemed to still be asleep, I could vaguely see the rise and fall of his chest. I sat up suddenly, forgetting Frank was still wrapped around me and he muttered something in his sleep before turning over, pulling his jacket with him, leaving me bare chested and cold. I looked down at his form, sleeping and calm and remembered my dream, remembered the blood. I started to sob and cry wildly, my hands clutched my head like it could somehow hold me together but the nightmare had got to me. It had finally got to me. It had finally driven me over the edge. I felt hands grip me and pull me away and I fought against them, the feeling of the fingers thin and spidery clawing at my skin too much to bare. Some sane part of me told me it was Ray, told me he was trying to pull me away so I didn’t wake up Mikey and Frank. But another part of me told me it was them, their hands, their deep breathing as they pulled me, their murderous blood soaked bodies; the people that had killed Lindsey and Bandit, the reason my life was like this.

I slapped wildly at the hands, pushing them away and unbalancing myself, making me hit the ground hard as I tried desperately to get away. My head burned with the memories from my dreams and in my mind, I saw her mouth my name at me, my real name not some imaginary one, some fake one that meant nothing! The other name was part of a game, a game that we couldn’t win that we couldn’t even fight in. It was a joke and the knowledge that the game had almost taken hold of me made me want to hit myself, smash some sense into me anyway I could. I needed to get out, needed to be free of this place.

“Poison, stop!”

Ray’s face was upset and hurt as he watched my facial expressions leap wildly on my face before being swapped with another, this emotion more horrible and grotesque to look at then the one before. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop the sounds of a dying animal escaping my mouth. They would hear me, they would come for us and then it would all be over. I would go back to my old life with Lindsey and Bandit and all this would be a dream. A nightmare. But the more I screamed out, the more Ray tried to stop me, covering my mouth and elbowing my stomach, anything just to stop me crying out into the darkness. He didn’t want to die, he didn’t understand that I was doing this for him, for all of us. Stopping this life from taking hold. I thought of that night with Frank, thought of how the game had almost become real, thought of how the lies we told each other had almost taken hold. I thought of how wrong his lips had felt against mine, how strange and alien his touch was. It was wrong, all of this was wrong!

“Poison!” He cried out at me, tears now spilling from his eyes as he watched my wretched body squirm and fling itself madly around on the ground.

“That’s not my name, Ray! And you know it!”

He blinked hard at the use of his name and stopped himself from saying something, instead biting his lip and trying once again to stop my convulsing body. I started to hit my head onto the ground, needing to get the bloody images out of my head, needing to stop them before they took over me. I heard running footsteps and saw through a sheet of blood which was now running down from my smashed head into my eyes, Mikey and Frank ran over towards me. Seeing their confused and hurt faces made me continue to bang my head, only harder, hearing sounds of pain escape my lips but not stopping for everything. Three pairs of hands now held me down and one pair in particular gripped onto my head, not letting me wrench it free. I looked up angrily at the figure and tried desperately to get free but the hands held me tightly so I had no choice but to look up into the eyes of a liar, the eyes of someone who had tricked me, the eyes of Frank.

I stilled my body and heard a gasp of relief come from Mikey, who had a hold of one of legs and my arms, his face screwed up in an effort not to cry and scream as he looked at my ruined body. I concentrated on Frank, his face was still but his eyes spilled over with tears as he looked at me, love spilling along with the tears. Except it wasn’t love, not really because none of this was real. He wasn’t real and his love wasn’t either. It was just a long and drawn out game of Let’s Pretend. Except I had stopped myself from getting too carried away, I had remembered the stakes here. I remembered Lindsey and Bandit, their faces sad and I wasn’t going to hurt them, wasn’t going to spoil their beautiful deaths with my shitty excuse for a life.

“Poison…”

His eyes were soft and he stroked my cheek in a way that irritated me, making me jerk in his hold. He just kept doing it, trying to calm me down but it wasn’t working.

“That’s not my name, Frank,” I whispered.

He nodded at me and gave me a sad smile, not reacting to the use of his own name.

“I know. It’s not.”

I felt Ray and Mikey watching us cautiously but just kept staring at Frank, trying to figure out what his game was. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he see making the game longer and more difficult was always going to back fire? Why didn’t he understand that what he felt for me wasn’t real?

“Say it,” my words made him bite his lip and his face started to crumple as his tears fell from his face and landed on mine.

“Say it, Frank!”

I spoke louder, making Mikey flinch but not caring. Frank just carried on crying, not meeting my eyes.

“SAY MY NAME!”

He looked into my eyes and held my face tightly as he lowered his lips close to mine. I held my breath, hating the feel of his breathing on my face, wanting to pull away but knowing it was hopeless.

“Gerard…” He whispered, quietly so only we could hear.

He pushed his mouth against mine and I felt no emotions as he desperately tried to make my lips move against his. Tried to make my tongue move out of my mouth with a gentle lick from his own. He pulled away from me, sobs coming from his throat and his face completely broken. He moved forwards again, pushing harder and biting my lip, moving his hands from my face to touch me and pull my hair. He forced his tongue into my mouth and licked around it. I stayed still, the game was over and Frank knew it. He pulled away but not far so that his hair still fell slightly into my face.

“Gee…” He begun but not before I moved my head up quickly closer to his and spat right into his face. My spit hit him in one eye and he pulled away, ashamed and red faced and he looked down at me, tears streaming from his eyes.

“You sicken me!”

He flinched at my words but a small piece of hope still remained in his eyes. He still didn’t understand how fake this was, how wrong this love he thought he felt for me was. I had to make him see and make him understand.

“I love you,” he spoke and I remembered the last words I had said to Lindsey.

She was wife and the love of my life. Compared to her, Frank was nothing.

“You don’t know what love is!” I screamed into his face and laughed at the wrecked expression I saw there. I closed my eyes tightly to stop the tears of laughter from filling my eyes, they might mistake the tears for something fake and unreal, for tears of pain and sadness. When I had never felt so happy in my life. I felt a hard blow to my head and slumped back into the sand, seeing stars that I knew weren’t really there at all.


	9. Gone

“I think he’s waking up,” Ray’s voice sounded from the thick fog which seemed to cover my eyes.

My head ached and my eyes throbbed with a pain like I had never felt. I didn’t attempt to open my eyes, knowing that the desert’s light would only hurt them more. I tried to think back and found I couldn’t. What had happened? I remembered the explosion, remembering watching Lindsey and Bandit dying, remembered Ray and Mikey dead, remembering being sprayed with Frank’s blood. Frank. I opened my eyes, slowly and blinked rapidly at what I saw. Ray and Mikey stood over me, Mikey behind, his eyes red like he had been crying while Ray stood in front, his gun in his hand as he stared at me through his sunglasses. His face was hard and I could tell he was poised to shoot. Mikey just watched me, his eyes not leaving my face as I attempted to sit up. My head gave a scream of protest and I thumped back to the ground again, tears of pain coming to my eyes. Mikey bit his lip and looked like he wanted to come and help me but Ray just stood staring at me as I wriggled around on the ground.

I decided to stay still to cause myself less pain and looked up at them, wondering who would speak first. The silence was awful and I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know where Frank was.

“How do you feel?” Mikey spoke up, looking nervously at my head which now seemed to be bleeding again.

I just grunted at his question, making it clear how I felt. Mikey told one step towards me but Ray’s hand shot out to stop him from reaching me. I glared at Ray as he held back my brother; what was up with him?

“We have to help him! He’s hurt…” His eyes travelled to me and I saw how conflicted he was about helping me.

Ray looked nervously at me from where I lay on the ground and seemed to decide I wasn’t too much of a threat with a bleeding head so dropped his hand. Mikey moved over to me and sank down next to my head. He refused to look into my eyes. He moved to the supplies to get something leaving me and Ray to look at one another uncertainly. He just held the gun aimed at my head, waiting for me to move or maybe even, attack. But I lay still and bit my lip as I looked at the gun. Mikey came back with an armful of bandages we had saved. He attended to my head, waiting me flinch but not stopping to ask if I was okay. Once he had done all he thought he could, he moved to examine the rest of my body. I was stiff and could feel several points on my body which didn’t seem to have any feeling.

“What hurts?” His eyes stayed on my body and I wanted to ask him to look at me but I didn’t think I wanted to see the emotions he was keeping back from me.

“My left arm and my left leg,” I attempted to move them so as to back up my words but found I couldn’t move my leg and the shoot of pain that ran up my arm was enough to tell me to stop trying to move.

He nodded and reached for my leg. He pulled up the trouser leg to see and gasped as he saw the bone poking out through the skin. He looked at Ray, open mouthed but Ray stayed where he was. Mikey looked way out of his depth but he just tried to keep from being sick as he carefully straightened my leg. He walked away and came back with a wooden stick which he tied to the back of my leg with bandages. It was the best he could do but I’m sure if Frank had been here, he would have thought of something better. Where was he? I wanted to ask but had a feeling no one would answer me. He reached for my arm, straightened it and ignoring the hisses of pain that I gave as he did so. I was still unclothed from the waist up so he could see right away what the problem was. My arm was bruised, black and purple marks showing all the way up. Though nothing was broken, I reckoned I had a lot of internal bruising.

“Maybe I should bandage it just to be safe?” he muttered to himself, picking up the roll of bandages and examining my arm closely.

“No, don’t waste them,” he flinched as I spoke and nodded before standing up to walk away.

I didn’t know how I had made Mikey feel like this and I felt tears spring to my eyes again as I watched his retreating back. Ray stayed with me, never moving the gun.

“Where’s Frank?”

Ray looked downcast for a moment but then fixed his face until it was composed once more.

“Ray?”

I tried not to let the hurt enter my voice but found their reactions to me hurt a lot more than I thought it would.

“He’s gone.”

***

“Ray, you’re tired. Go to bed!”

Mikey had been trying to persuade Ray for over two hours to go to sleep but Ray just sat firmly beside me, where I still lay on the ground. No one had spoken to me since Mikey had helped me and the day had passed slow seeing as I was in no fit state to travel. That was assuming they would still want me after whatever I had done. Trust me, I wanted to know, I wanted to ask. I had cried so much that day that I didn’t think I had any more water left in my body. I certainly didn’t have any more food but felt asking for food would be like asking Ray to go to bed again; pointless.

“I’ve got stay up, haven’t I?” He murmured, giving me a glance before turning back to Mikey.

Mikey looked at me anxiously before nodding.

“Yeah but I could stay up with him?” He offered causing Ray to frown and shake his head.

“You’re too emotionally attached.”

“What do you mean?” Mikey asked, confused.

“He’s mean you wouldn’t be able to shoot me if it came to it! Right, Ray?”

Ray didn’t even look over at me as I spoke which irritated me immensely. Why couldn’t someone just look me in the eye?

“I would.”

The comment made me turn to look at him, his eyes were now on Ray, completely emotionless and empty.

“If he does anything like last night, I would.”

I tried not to let the shock show on my face as Mikey now turned to me. His eyes bored into me and I thought of how I had wished for someone to meet my eyes. And like a prayer Mikey had answered, his eyes hard and cold as he thought of killing me. My own brother.

Ray still didn’t look convinced but gave in, pulling Mikey to one side to say something before heading over to the fire to lie down. Mikey carefully watched me as he pulled out his gun from its holster and sat down several feet away watching me. His eyes made me uncomfortable and I tried to squirm away from them, making my arm and head cry out in pain.

“Don’t do that!” he spoke sharply, “You’ll hurt yourself!”

I glared at him but continued to wriggle around, his eyes leaving marks on me as he glared hard at me. I wished they would all just leave me be.

“Poison-“ he stopped himself before he could continue and it occurred to me that no one had used either one of my names since I had woken up.

He bit his lip and looked at me, the hard expression gone to be replaced with one of worry.

“Mikey,” I spoke gently, watching him flinch at his name, “What did I do?”

He sighed and suddenly looked very old, his tired expression making the dark shadows on his face sag and I wondered how my baby brother could have gotten so old.

“You had some kind of fit. At least that’s what Ray reckons.” It was all he was going to offer me and I took it gladly; was it the nightmare that had done it?

I was surprised when he spoke again, his eyes on mine showing love for me mixed with horror as he remembered back.

“You just lost it. You wouldn’t listen to us and you had this crazed look in your eye! It was horrible!”

He visibly sagged remembering and I wanted to give him a hug but knew I would probably get a gun pointed at my face if I moved. Despite Mikey not being as tough towards me as Ray was, I didn’t doubt for a second that he was tensed to shoot. Could he really do it? In that moment before I believed he could but now, as I lay on the ground hurt and in pain, could my brother raise a gun to my head and end my life? He looked up at me, tears in his eyes as he remembered my pain and I didn’t believe he would.

“You weren’t making any sense. Stuff about none of this being real and you were calling us by our names, Poison! Our real names!” He sounded shocked and had forgotten not to use the name Poison.

Because they were obviously trying to tip toe around me so that I wouldn’t get angry and despite how they were treating me, like a hostage supposed to a friend, I didn’t feel angry at all. I just couldn’t remember everything that happened. But as Mikey spoke I started to remember, I saw them pinning me down, I saw Mikey and Ray’s scared expressions and I saw Frank as he looked down at me. His eyes full of tears as he looked at my injures. He spoke the words ‘I love you’ and my heart wanted to melt at the memory. Wanted to. But I had to remind myself that while I loved them all, that we had just got carried away. In the heat of the moment, I had wanted Frank and he had wanted me but to love me? That was a joke that wasn’t fair on either of us. I loved Lindsey and I loved Bandit. I loved Mikey; he was my brother. And Ray and Frank had always been there for me, I loved them for that. But love is a delicate thing and I didn’t think me and Frank could ever get that friendship back. Not that Frank was even here, not that I knew where he was. I hadn’t asked for fear of the answer. He was gone. What, had he left? Or…The worst had happened and that would explain Ray’s anger. Mikey not looking me in the eye. I tried to remember back and saw Frank kissing me. He still couldn’t accept that I didn’t feel the same. He didn’t really love me. We had invented a game as a way of sealing ourselves off from the harsh reality. And it had worked until I had had that nightmare. Until I had remembered our old lives, my family. Before …

“Who hit me?”

“What?” Mikey asked, bewildered for a second.

“Last night. Someone hit me and then I blacked out.”

His cheeks flushed pink and he looked away from me.

“Oh, right. Yeah that was me!”

I looked shocked at him for a moment before he hurriedly added, “But you were going mad. The stuff you said. What you did to Fra-“

He stilled himself, watching me as I tried to digest this new information. Tried to remember. Frank had kissed me and when I didn’t response he had tried again. It was harder not to kiss him back the second time, his lips were more desperate and urgent against my own. For a second, he seemed like he really lov- I stopped myself from thinking, instead moving forwards in the memory. He had released me, his expression broken and I badly wanted to go back, to change what would happen next. I spat right in his face, breaking him more. Hurting him more. He looked so upset, I wanted to hold him, wanted to comfort him, wanted to ki-

I slammed my head back hard against the ground, trying to make the thoughts go away. This wasn’t me, wasn’t my thoughts. I had to make them go away, make them stop. Then I caught sight of Mikey, his expression worried and tense as he watched me. I had to get a hold of myself, at least for Mikey’s sake, I had to stop thinking like this. It was a game. It was a joke. It was in the past. But still my brain went back to that time with Frank as he ran his hands on my body, as he kissed me and the lust and love filled his eyes; I really thought he loved me. I sighed and felt my head ache, I moaned and tried to move my arm to touch it, only to feel the familiar stab of pain as I moved my arm. Mikey was quickly at my side and he stilled me with one touch of his hand, causing me to sigh. He repositioned the bandages at my head and ran his hand slowly down my cheek. He kept up the motion, calming me.

“I’m so sorry, Mikey!” He just hushed me and wiped away my tears.

“It’s not your fault. You’re okay now!” He said though sounded a little uncertain.

I cried in his arms for a while, needing his touch and wishing I could hold him back. He stroked me and let me cry, not speaking just soothing me with his fingers on my face. As my tears eventually slowed and my cries turned into whimpers, he pulled away from me, making me moan but not stopping and moving to sit closer to me. He kept one hand on my face and I tried to move further into it, but only caused my head to throb. He looked at me and smiled, a sad smile but a smile nonetheless.

“Where is he? Where’s Frank?”

His hand stilled for a moment and I was scared he would move away, would reposition the gun at my head. But he started stroking my cheek again, rubbing the skin in a way that made me tired. But I had to have my question answered. I had to know if Frank was okay; he was still my friend if nothing else…

“He left,” his eyes were sad, “We’ve been looking for him but...”

I felt my heart sink in my chest and had to blink to stop the tears.

“But he’ll get himself killed on his own…” I whispered, my voice breaking and Mikey just watched me as my face crumpled.

Of course, I was upset. He had been a great friend in the life before and in this life too. I had known him for years. But the pain I felt was more sharp and intense than just that. I felt sick to my core at the nightmare image of Frank, his blood splattered on me, lying dead, his body broken but the only thing I could see was his hand as it grew cold and pale in mine. The idea that he could really be dead, that the image could be true was enough to make me beat my head on the floor again. But Mikey was still watching me carefully, his eyes concerned as he watched my thoughts show on my face. This wasn’t a game anymore. Frank could get hurt!

Mikey’s hand had fallen from my face and he moved forwards to hold me close to him, careful not move my head or arm. I realised I was crying, not just crying but sobbing and trying to stop only made the tears come faster. Frank was gone. He could be dead. It was sad but why was I reacting like this?

“Why does it hurt so much?” The broken whisper made Mikey pull away from me to look into my eyes and realisation hit me hard before he even had to say a word. He just gave me his sad smile before speaking the words I had tried to deny. This had stopped being a game when Lindsey died. When Bandit died. This had become my life and my actions had almost killed us all. I remembered shouting, wishing for death for me and for the others. For Frank. As he kissed me, as he cried on me. But now he was gone and he had left me with this horrible feeling; the realisation that my face now showed. Mikey opened his mouth to speak and what he said made me start to weep fresh tears, because I knew it was the truth.

“Because you love him, Gee.”


	10. Great Need

With every step on my sore leg, I let out a muffled moan from behind clenched teeth and my face screwed up to stop the sound from growing into a scream of pain. Mikey’s face was equally screwed up from having to listen to the horrible sounds I was making but he and Ray continued walking, all our eyes set on the horizon as we walked. Ray had had to push aside his ill feelings towards me to lend a hand, or actually an arm, in helping me hobble along. He had my left arm and I tried not to care that his hand gripped the bruises which still remained and hurt me more. Not that he would care if I told him, he might grip harder. I didn’t blame Ray for not trusting me, for not looking me in the eye. If the positions were reversed and he had hurt Frank then he would be as good as dead… No, not thinking about Frank. I had learnt over the past few weeks that thinking of him only brought back the nightmare and brought burning tears to my eyes. I could only think of him at night, after the others were asleep so that I could cry silently and picture his perfect face. It hurt to remember the time just a few months before, when we would stay up together just talking and watch the fire burn out, watch the sun dip lower in the sky. He would accidently brush my hand with his and I would suppress the gasp of longing that would flood into my lungs, wanting to be released so that Frank could finally know how I felt. But we would just carry on pretending everything was normal, even though now I knew he had felt the same as I had. He had longed for the evenings just so he could spent time with me. And I had thrown all that away. I had ruined the first good thing to happen since Lindsey and Bandit died. I had ruined everything.

Ray huffed at my shoulder and I realised I had stopped trying so much to walk, leaving Ray and Mikey to almost carry me along. I quickly regained control of my feet and saw Ray relax a little into our previous stride. Mikey’s face was still worried as I continued to hiss at every other step we took. I needed to concentrate on walking, I needed to stay in the present I couldn’t think about … Frank. Ray and Mikey would go every night, looking for him sometimes even calling his name, which was dangerous but we were getting desperate now. Frank hadn’t had food or water so couldn’t have gotten far alone. We had altered our course ever so slightly so as to follow the direction the others thought he had taken. We were running away but changing course was good, the others had decided, because if we were being followed, it would only confuse them. I agreed but wasn’t allowed to take part in these discussions. Mikey would tell me everything later, he was always so kind despite all I’d done. I didn’t deserve it. He would even leave me his gun in the evenings when they went looking for Frank, he slid it carefully into the folds of Frank’s jacket and gave me a cautious wink when Ray wasn’t looking.

What had hurt me the most was that Frank had left his jacket behind. Despite what I had done to him, he still paused over his jacket before deciding I needed it more than he did. He was out there somewhere, as time grew longer he had most likely have died of dehydration or starvation, maybe eaten by animals, captured by the enemy or killed by confused rebels, but wherever he was, he was only wearing a thin shirt. He had still thought of me after all I had done.

I tumbled down onto the floor, my left leg aching under the sudden weight of me that it had to hold and flopped face down into the dirt. I heard my nose break as I hit the floor but was still thankful that it wasn’t my head I had landed on. It had just started to heal and I didn’t need the constant pain of it reminding me every second of the day of the horror I had caused. I looked up through the gush of blood which now ran from my nose into my open mouth at Ray, who paced up and down clutching his head as if stilling voices which only he could hear. Mikey kneed down beside me and pulled me up into a sitting position. I carefully straightened out my leg, aware that the new skin that had been growing over the bone was now in danger of splitting. Mikey stood up and cautiously moved towards Ray as his face began to grow more vicious with every step he took.

“Ray?”

Mikey’s whisper made Ray’s head shoot up and his eyes were angry and wide as he looked at Mikey. The whites in his eyes seemed to shrink slightly at Mikey’s confused and crumpled face but he still had a manic look about him as he glanced over at me. His hand shot to his jacket and he slowly pulled out his gun, pointing it directly at my head. I just stayed still, knowing that this moment of punishment was going to come at some point. I stared into Ray’s eyes and held the gaze, watching him and waiting.

“Ray, don’t do this!”

Mikey was manic and looked about to step into the way of the gun when I spoke up.

“Mikey, I’ve had this coming for a while.”

My brother looked at me pleading me to be quiet so that he could handle this. This wasn’t the time for one of my long rants, his eyes told me. Did I want to die? This question made me pause, I had stayed for Mikey. I hadn’t put the gun to my temple during those long nights when they were out searching because of him. But now I could see the distress it caused them.

“I’m slowing you down. I’m eating the supplies. I’m loud from the pain walking causes me. I’m unnecessary baggage.”

I was surprised how calm I was about dying. But without Lindsey. Without Bandit. Without Frank, my life had no real meaning. The others could carry on without me. I wasn’t needed anymore. I saw Mikey about to open his mouth but Ray looked like he needed more persuading. His eyes seemed to be growing smaller and the manic expression had almost faded entirely. He needed some more pushing. This was the best for everyone, including Frank.

“I’m glad I hurt Frank!”

I hoped my voice hadn’t wobbled from the effort it took to speak the words, from the expressions of Ray and Mikey, I don’t think it had.

“What did you say?” Ray muttered, his knuckles now white as he held the gun.

“You heard,” I forced a twisted smile to my lips and licked them to stop the dry feeling of them, I needed my voice to stay strong in case Ray needed something else to egg him on.

But I didn’t think he did and Mikey just stared at me, open mouthed yet not quite believing me. Ray raised his other hand to the gun and a single tear ran down his cheek, I hoped he would feel no regret. I closed my eyes tight and pictured Frank, his giggling face making my lips turn to a smile, his face could take me happily into death.

“NO!”

The gun fired and I slumped to the ground, allowing the pain of my head, arm and leg to be consumed by the pain of … No pain came and I opened my eyes, tears now forming in them to see Mikey pushing the gun from Ray’s hands and putting it firmly into his own holster. Ray looked out of breath from where he lay on the ground but both he and Mikey were okay. I glanced at the black mark which scarred the desert floor, just inches from me and felt myself begin to cry. The release of death had been so close, so fucking close! Mikey came to me, trying to sling his arm around me but I shoved him away angrily, not allowing him to comfort me.

“I hate you, you fucking bastard!”

He just sighed at me before shrugging and turning to Ray, who he helped get to his feet.

“You want to kill yourself in your own time, you can fucking knock yourself out! But you don’t use Ray. You don’t play your mind games with us, Poison! You got that?”

He was now stood over me, his shadow covering me and blocking out the sun. I felt anger boil up within me.

“Don’t you dare call me that. That’s not my name, Mikey!” He just stared me down as I spoke but he couldn’t make me drop my eyes. He didn’t understand and he never could understand how I was feeling!

“Oh right! Yeah sorry, Gerard,” he spoke sarcastically, rolling my name on his tongue and glaring down at me from where I still sat on the floor.

“GERARD WAY! GERARD FUCKING WAY!”

His screams filled the air and I knew that he enjoyed watching me flinch as he screamed my name. They knew my name, all right. That was the person they were looking for. Not Party Poison, not the names we hid behind. They were looking for Gerard Way and Mikey was screaming my name spitefully, hoping they would come for me and kill me so that I could have the death I so greatly desired. If he had screamed maybe just once more, then in a few hours, they were be here. Mikey and Ray could run and leave me and I would be dead. Dead and happy. Because then I could be with Frank.

Ray tackled Mikey to the ground just as Mikey had opened his mouth to scream again. I heard Mikey whine as the breath was knocked out of him but he lay panting on the ground as Ray clambered off of him to glare at me. The glare I should have been used to but this one was softer, more of a warning look really. Ray crawled towards me and gave me a one arm hug. I was confused but after a few seconds I threw both of my arms around him, enjoying the warmth and breathing shallowly as I felt tears swim in my eyes. I had missed him, I had missed my friend.

“I’m sorry, Gerard,” he whispered into my ear and I hugged him harder, ignoring the pain I could still feel in my broken nose.

“It’s okay, Ray. I deserved it,” he just shook his head at this and pulled away.

“No, you didn’t!”

He slumped down beside me and we both looked over at Mikey, who stayed deep breathing on the floor, unsure what to do. He looked like he wanted to carry on shouting but he still hadn’t caught his breath so instead sat up, avoiding our stares and looked down at his feet.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” Ray muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

“We’re not going to be able to carry on like we have been. And we’re not going to kill you!” He stopped me from protesting with a quick turn of his face towards mine and I nodded.

Mikey looked unsure but Ray gave him a similar look and Mikey ducked his head. 

“There’s something else…” Mikey’s voice trailed off as both me and Ray looked over at his hunched form.

Mikey moved crawling to the supply bag and pulled out two cans of food and a canteen of water. He gestured towards them and in case we hadn’t got the picture, tipped the bag upside down. Two cans and a half full canteen of water was all we had in the world.

“What are we going to do?”

His quiet voice sounded loud in the silence and I looked towards Ray, who sat hunched over, holding his knees to his chest to protect himself. He didn’t know. I realised Mikey was looking at me, his eyes big and worried, looking towards his big brother for help. I realised that I didn’t know. We needed Frank more than ever.


	11. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while but here's the next segment.  
> Enjoy and please leave any crictism.  
> I like crictism!

“Sorry!”

His hands were clumsy as they mopped my bloody nose with his sleeve but I just gave him a small smile and gritted my teeth as he carried on.

“You know what, Jet? I think I’m okay now!”

He smiled at me, nodding his appreciation at the use of his name. I was trying hard, I couldn’t afford Ray to hate me now that Mikey was refusing to even look at me. He just sat, looking out into the desert. Maybe he was hoping to find Frank. We really did need him now.

“I’m gonna go and set up some-“

Ray paused and slumped back down beside me. I frowned at him but he just shook his head.

“Some traps? For food? That’s a good idea,” I encouraged, wondering what was the problem.

He shook his head at me again.

“I used up the last of the rope. A few weeks back.” He confessed, looking downcast like somehow this was his fault. I squeezed his shoulder, trying to be comforting then an idea came to my head. I quickly moved my hands to my waist and Ray watched as I unbuckled and slid my belt out of the belt loops.

“Here,” I presented him with the belt and watched him try to figure out what to say. I could already feel my trousers start to slide but was still pleased I had come up with something so clever on my own. This was usually something Frank would think of!

“You sure?” Ray didn’t have a lot of other choices but still looked uncertain.

I gave him a hopefully reassuring nod and he grinned at me, turning off in a random direction to find an open space for the traps. Me and Mikey were left in stony silence, him still facing away from me, leaving my eyes to settle on his back, watching him breathe steadily in and out. Except now I could see that his breathing wasn’t steady at all, it was rapid and uneven. Almost like he was … I shuffled towards him but with my leg and my arm still hurting, I couldn’t do it quietly. He heard me coming and quickly moved his hand up to wipe his face, which I was now sure was drenched in tears.

“Mikes?”

He stiffened at my voice but still refused to look at me, turning his head away as I settled next to him.

“I don’t blame you, you know that right?” I watched for a reaction but got none.

“I don’t hate you for wanting me dead. I’m a burden, I know that.” Mikey shook his head hard and looked down at his feet instead of at me but looked a little more relaxed than he had done.

“I could never want you dead, Gee.” He sighed at me and I watched him, now noticing a slight wet spot on his cheek which he had missed when drying his eyes.

I used the sleeve of Frank’s jacket to dry it and then ended up stroking his cheek gently. He turned to look into my eyes and he looked like he had forgiven me.

“Is it Frank?” I asked, careful not to make him want to hate me again.

“You’re not the only one that misses him.”

I nodded at this and pulled Mikey in for a clumsy hug. I lay down in the sand and closed my eyes, needing the darkness behind my eyelids to think. Mikey lay down beside me and held my hand in the dark, rubbing the palm of it and soothing me. It was difficult to think properly with him doing this and his grip was locked so there was no point trying to pull away. I opened my eyes to see Mikey staring at me, lovingly and gave him a love filled look back. I moved forwards and kissed the top of his head. He sighed happily and moved closer towards me, until his head was on my chest. I tried not to compare this to when Frank had done it but Mikey’s head felt wrong where Frank’s had been. In the end I relaxed and Mikey did to and I held him until I could feel his breathing was steady. I was left in my thoughts alone, wishing for Frank.

***

“Guys! Guys! Wake up!”

My eyes snapped open and I blinked in the sudden light of day. Had I fallen asleep? Mikey lay, blinking and confused beside me but watching something a little way away. I followed his eyes and saw Ray jumping around madly as he ran towards us full throttle, out of breath and red faced. A smile was stretched out wide on his face as he ran and I struggled onto my feet, ignoring the pain, causing Mikey to roll over uncomfortably onto his stomach, his comfortable pillow of my chest now gone.

“What?” Mikey spoke confused as he looked up at me, squinting in the bright light.

I looked down at him then back at Ray who was now nearing us, slowing down as he breathed heavily from sprinting. I suppose after so long of not running, we had all gotten a little out of shape.

“Dude, it must be like noon already,” Mikey muttered as Ray ran up to us, Mikey looking up at the sun which was now high in the sky.

“Ray, why didn’t you wake us u-“Mikey began but Ray silenced him with a shh, looking more excited by the second.

“Have you been out all ni-“I attempted to speak but once again was silenced by Ray, who was looking annoyed at us for not letting him speak.

“It must be like a present from God or some shit like that!” He exclaimed, making my heart leap in my chest and my brain whizz with questions. Mikey still looked confused but Ray’s excitement could only mean one thing in my mind.

“Where?” I asked and Ray pointed off in the direction he had just come from, smiling broadly.

I ran as fast as I could, followed by Ray and Mikey but neither of them could catch me. I had one thing in my mind, one name whizzing round my head. Frank. But why hadn’t Ray brought him to us? Why wasn’t Frank running towards me like I was him? Where was he? A sudden thought struck me, could he be dead? But then why Ray’s excitement? I didn’t know but nothing was going to keep me from Frank. Nothing.

I stopped running, looking desperately around but seeing nothing. Just sand, desert stretching out for miles. There was a large sand dune to my left, quite uncommon in the desert but other than that, there was only Ray’s traps in the middle of everything. It held four large rabbits within it and for one moment, I wondered if that’s what Ray had been excited about. The prospect of having food for another few weeks. But no he was excited, he didn’t look like he had slept, there had to be something else. But from what I could see there was nothing. Ray and Mikey caught up, both red faced and out of breath from trying to catch up with me. Ray looked a little confused by how enthusiastic I was but stood in front of both of us, wide eyed and grinning with delight.

“Where is he?”

Ray looked at me puzzled as I let the words escape my mouth. Mikey looked at me, biting his lip, knowing exactly what I had thought. I had just been stupid, I had let myself get too carried away but I needed Ray to say it.

“Where’s who?” Ray still looked confused and a little put off that I was distracting him from his big surprise.

“He’s not here, Gee,” Mikey patted my back gently but I shrugged him off, feeling ashamed. Ray stood still, finally getting it.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Poison,” he looked awkwardly at the ground as I tried to stop the tears from falling.

“It’s okay. I was just being stupid!” I kicked at the annoyingly flat ground and created a small sand storm with my foot.

We stood for a second, no one knowing what to say.

“What was it, Jet? What you wanted to show us?” Mikey asked, making Ray give a small smile again, though nothing like he had done.

“Look at that,” he gestured at the sand dune, causing both me and Mikey to frown.

“What?” I asked, defensively but Ray just rolled his eyes, pushing us forwards to look closer.

“Just look!”

I stared at the sand dune, it really was quite odd to see one that size in the desert. It was large and oddly shaped but was also clearly a sand dune. The golden yellowy colour was the same all the way over … Except. Except for a gleam of silver near the bottom. It shined back at me and made me frown. I had been frustrated we couldn’t cover that spot up, it was such a big give away though the average passing rebel or even the enemy themselves would most likely overlook it. The car. I remembered how long it had taken us to cover it completely and how unhappy we had been to leave it so half done. Frank had had to drag me away after a while as I circled the car scrutinising it for hours, still not happy with it. I glanced at it now, open mouthed about how I hadn’t noticed the sand dune to be what it really was. We had had to leave it after it had broken down and we couldn’t leave it as it was so covering it had been the best solution. We had taken the supplies then …

The supplies. Ray smiled at me as I turned to him, wide eyed, remembering. I ran to the car, not knowing how to get to the glove compartment. Ray came up behind me and after deliberating for a second, pressed a button that had been carefully concealed to make the glove compartment pop open. The sudden black of the inner compartment stood out oddly in the yellow of the sand and it took me a minute to take in the sight I saw. It was empty. I turned to Ray, worried but he spotted my face straight away and went to pat my shoulder.

“Hey, don’t worry! They’re already packed!” Ray grinned at me, proud of his efforts.

Mikey walked up to us, still looking confused.

“What’s already packed?”

“The supplies!”

Ray looked from me to Mikey, dazed for a second before I spoke.

“I left some supplies behind because I had a feeling we would come back this way. You lot overruled me and Ghoul thought it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. Jet caught me at it!”

I felt slightly ashamed but was glad my idea had paid off. Mikey grinned at me and gave a ‘good job’ look. I blushed a little, it hadn’t really been all my idea. But Ray had agreed to it, I just hadn’t told him that Mikey didn’t know. Ray looked happy too and we embraced this feeling, as none of us knew when it would come again. Mikey seemed to remember something and walked behind Ray to reach into the glove compartments secret pocket.

“What about these?” He presented Ray with a handful of batteries; in this day and age, they were almost sacred.

I immediately thought of the transmitter, which greatly needed new batteries and prayed that Frank really had left it alone when I had asked him too. Ray seemed to think the same as he turned to run back to the supplies bag at our camp. He went faster this time, sensing the urgency. Things seemed to be turning out okay.

“Where did you-“ I began, pointing at the batteries Mikey held but he just silenced me with a wink.

“Aren’t I allowed to have secrets too?”

I ruffled his hair, causing him to flinch in annoyance but he waited with me, by the car for Ray.


	12. There are different ways of dying

I woke up, sweaty and confused, the images from my dream still fresh in my mind. Me and Frank as we made love, our skin slapping against each other with Frank pushing into me, drawing every possible sound he could from within me. I screamed in delight and I could hear him grunting. He bit into my back and neck and I turned my head to kiss him. Frank’s eyes were blood shot and his skin peeling. His hair was falling out and his complexion was a dark rotting green colour. His beautiful lips were bloodied and maggots feasted on his tongue, which waggled madly in his mouth, beckoning for my mouth to meet his. His hands held me as I tried to get away but it was no use. I felt Frank’s teeth sink deep into my skin and pull out chucks of flesh from my back as he screamed my name at me.

‘Gee! Gee! Geeee!’

“Gee!”

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Ray’s panicked voice. The sun was still low and I could still only make out the shapes of Ray and Mikey from the other side of yesterday’s fire. Ray sat up over Mikey, who I could hear moaning softly. I was quickly on my feet and kneeling beside Mikey. His brow was hot and his face flushed, his eyes screwed up. Ray gestured to Mikey’s arm, his sleeve now rolled up, to two small holes which punctured his skin. The skin around it was blackened and purple and Mikey hissed as Ray straightened his arm.

“Oh Mikey!”

Mikey opened his eyes at the sound of my voice and his eyes were sad but he was holding back any tears. He gave me a sad smile. Ray was using one of his hands to brush Mikey’s hair from his face and was trying to catch my eye contact but I couldn’t stop looking at my poor brother.

“When did this happen?” I murmured softly, delicately tracing the wound that I was now sure was a bite mark.

He shrugged but after receiving a long stare from me, sighed before speaking.

“About a week ago, when we were out looking for Frank. I didn’t want you to be worried!”

I laughed stupidly as my brother’s comment. Ray raised his eyebrows at this but said nothing.

“Well, I’m a little worried now!” Mikey bit his lip and closed his eyes as another surge of pain came.

I reached for the supplies bag but Ray had already started to shake his head, telling me I wouldn’t find what I was looking for. I looked anyway, seeing only cans and bottles of liquid, no bandages or any medical supplies in sight. I reached for a canteen and opened it, moving it over the bite on Mikey’s arm. I glanced at Mikey, who had moved his other arm to his face so that he could bite down on his sleeve if the pain got too much. I gave his shoulder a small squeeze before pouring some water onto the wound so as to clean it. Mikey wriggled underneath the lukewarm water but stayed still. I gestured to Ray’s waist but he just looked back, his face crumpled to show he didn’t understand. I gestured again and this time he understood, removing his belt and unbuckling it. Mikey looked at me warily but didn’t remove the sleeve from his mouth. I carefully looped the belt just above the wound and began to tighten it. Mikey couldn’t contain the screams this time and Ray had to hold down his arm so that I could carry on. I felt tears on my face but ignored them, tears couldn’t help Mikey now.

I tightened it as much as it was able and held the belt in place with his sleeve, which I rolled back down to cover up the bite. Mikey’s face was wet with sweat and salty tears but there was no way I could stop his pain. Ray stroked Mikey’s face and I stroked his back, both of us needing to somehow comfort him. I waited until Mikey had calmed down a little before moving to pack up our bag and scatter the fire’s ashes. Ray nodded at me as I gestured to Mikey and we both seized an arm and pulled him to his feet. He whimpered and looked at me, almost pleadingly, but there was nothing I could do for Mikey now. We had to keep going.

“I’m sorry!”

Mikey just tipped his head, as a way of a nod and we set off walking.

***

“Here come the hallucinations,” Ray joked but it really wasn’t funny in the slightest.

We were having to stop regularly as with my leg, it was difficult to support myself and carry Mikey. We walked a few hours and then stopped for an hour, continuing the pattern until almost nightfall. It was nearly dark now but we had decided to wait until dark before stopping. At least the plan would have worked, if I hadn’t collapsed onto the ground. We had been trying to save water and while Mikey drank a lot, I insisted on it and Ray drank a little, I had been avoiding wasting any more supplies on myself. It would have worked but the dehydration finally got to me. Ray had scolded me jokily but it wasn’t until he came back shaking after looking into the supplies bag that we realised how bad the situation was. I had forgotten the canteens. After washing Mikey’s bite, I had left them all behind. We were at least twenty five miles from them by now and there was no question of going back for them. That left all of us without fluids, including me who was currently swaying from lack of water and Mikey who was currently sleeping off the effects of walking all day in the hot sun. We needed to think about our next move but I couldn’t think straight and my vision seemed to be growing worse by the second. Ray was looking worriedly at me and I knew I needed to speak to reassure him that I was okay but I didn’t think that I was okay; this really did look like the end. The end of all of us.

“What do we do?” Ray nibbled on his lip and looked at me with big eyes.

“How the fuck should I know?!” I muttered back, holding a hand to my head.

I didn’t need to apologise for being sharp with him because it was a stupid question. Yet as leader, I was expected to know, without Frank I had to take over properly for the first time since we had started running. And I was failing miserably. Not that it mattered; it seemed I was going to die at any moment anyway.

“I think we need to sleep on it!” I spoke, yawning loudly and lying down to show Ray my intentions.

“Gee, no! Don’t sleep! You might not wake up!” Ray jumped on top of me, making me wriggle a little but I didn’t have the strength to push him off.

He looked down at me, worriedly and sad. But I couldn’t concentrate on him. I just wanted to sleep and forget about the burning sensation of thirst in the back of my throat. My lids were heavy and I allowed them to close, smiling as I felt Ray try to desperately shake me awake. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered but sleeping. A hand hit me hard in the face, making me crack open my eyes a little. Frank’s face was inches from my own, with tears staining his perfect face. He was crying on me and with a lot of effort, I managed to move a strand of hair from his face and stroke his cheek gently.

“Gee, please don’t go!” His voice sounded strange and distant but I silenced him by pushing the back of his head until he was so close I could feel his skin against my cheek and smell his gorgeous scent.

“I love you, Frank!” I muttered my voice hoarse and scratchy from lack of water and I pressed my lips to his forehead before closing my eyes and giving in to the darkness.


	13. Attack

Muffled sobs brought me back to the present, causing me to grunt at being awoken. My head ached horribly and my throat seemed to be trying to scream yet the dry skin of my lips refused to part to let it. I heard the cries stop and felt movement near my side. It took a lot of effort to open my eyes but when I did I was greeted by the sight of Ray, whose face was scared as he looked down at my slumped form in the dust. He breathed a long sigh of relief when he saw me but started to gently shake me so as to keep me awake. I smiled at him and he gave me an unsure smile back. I tried to speak but Ray silenced me with a finger to my lips. I tried to speak again anyway and Ray gave me a stern look. He pointed to my left and I turned carefully so as not to upset my newly fixed vision to see Mikey propped up by the supplies bag, still not looking well but looking a little better than he had done.

“Hey, Gee!” He smiled at me, looking like he wanted to come and give me a hug but not being able to move from his position.

I smiled at him before closing my eyes again, defeated by how horribly woozy and tired I felt.

“Poison!”

I snapped my eyes open to see Ray looked worriedly at me. I just rose my eyebrows at him and tried my best to keep my eyes open.

“We have a problem…” Mikey spoke and I turned my face so as to look at him.

Both he and Ray were looking into the far distance behind me where I couldn’t see.

“What is it?” I asked, trying to strain my head to see behind me but only making the desert around me jump and move oddly around us.

“We don’t know. We couldn’t see it when the sun was still up but now … It looks like a fire!”

A fire? As in other people, other rebels maybe? Or the enemy, no, they were too clever for that! Maybe …Frank. The very force of that one thought gave my arms this sudden strength and I propped myself up so as to see behind me. I could see the small orange flames in the distance accompanied by a few other fires. An army of rebels? Maybe this was the uprising that the enemy were so set against. Or maybe it was …

My eyes lit up and I turned to Ray who recognised the hope in the light of my eyes.

“Base.” Mikey nodded at Ray’s word, giving me a small hopeful grin.

No other had dared speak the words. We had been running for months, for what sometimes felt like a lifelong journey, where we had seen nothing but desert. And while we had all decided that we would just run, all of us had the image of the base in our heads as we set out across the desert. The sanctuary. The safe place. We had stayed there with our families, trying to regain some sort of normality by creating new lives after the world had been turned upside down. Until Lindsey, Bandit and the others had been taken. We had gone after them and none of us would ever fully recover from the images of our loved ones dying and screaming in front of our very eyes. But base was the safest place we could be. The other rebels were there and Dr D would be there too. Ray had fixed the transmitter some days ago but we had received no broadcasts so assumed they were laying low. Maybe there were waiting for news of our safe arrival with our families in tow. But still the idea of cooked food and a warm bed was enough to make me sit up fully and study the lights more closely. Sure they looked like fires but it could be escaped lights from the windows, it could be fires lit deliberately to guide us home.

“Gerard, it’s not safe. We don’t know what’s out there!” Ray’s warnings were enough to still me for a moment but then another idea came to my head. Frank. Had I really seen him before, when I had blacked out? I thought it was just the hallucinations but wasn’t there every possibility he could be at the base? He could be safe and waiting for us! Waiting for me! This single thought brought me to my feet and I stayed stood up, forcing the world to stop spinning. Ray held me close to him so as to stop me from moving but I needed to get to Frank. He was so close and if Ray was going to stand in my way then I would have to stop him. But I was still too weak.

“Ray, I need to get to Frank!” He looked at me with pity but tried to cover it quickly.

“There’s no knowing if he’s there. There’s no knowing that we’re not walking straight into a trap!”

I was about to defend myself when Mikey’s quiet voice sounded in the darkness. We had almost forgotten he was there.

“It’s either walk into a trap or wait til sunrise and have them spot us anyway. Or we could run. And then what? We have no water, we wouldn’t last longer than a few more days. This is our only chance!”

We looked at him in shock for a second, both of us silenced by Mikey’s wise words. Mikey just waited for our response, looking suddenly old again, wise beyond his years. He cracked a smile and gave us both a wink, the years falling off him just as quickly as they had aged him.

“Hey! I’m allowed to be clever sometimes!” I grinned at him and looked at Ray, who sighed and pushed my arm more tightly over his shoulders before moving towards Mikey. He helped my brother to his feet before readjusting his arm so that he was carrying both our weights. I looked into the faces of my brother and one of my best friends and it occurred to me this might be the end. They seemed to think the same as they looked back at me. I quickly studied the dips and curves of Mikey’s thin face, his cheekbones and the way his hair hung loosely from behind his ears, clumps stuck together from months of sleeping on the ground. Ray’s hair was as full of life as ever but the past few months had visibly changed us all, including him, the wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead more pronounced from the worry. I breathed out and smiled at them, causing Ray’s lips to twitch and Mikey to grin broadly at me.

“If this ends badly, I’m blaming you!” Ray muttered, his smile bigger on his face even though by ending badly, we all knew he meant death.

He starting to walk and I did my best not to drag my feet as we went. Mikey stayed quiet despite the effort moving caused him, his bite hidden by his jacket but the pain still registering on his face. As the fires grew closer, Ray’s stride began to get faster and faster and there was no hope of me trying to walk for myself now. Nevertheless, his pace didn’t alter and he carried on nearer and nearer, despite the fact we could now all see what lay ahead. Mikey gave a whimper and Ray seemed to be on the verge of tears while I was just open mouthed at the horrible sight which was met with my eyes. Ray stopped walking until he literally couldn’t walk any further, the nearest pile of rubble stopped his progress. He let go of both of us, causing both me and my brother to flop to the ground. Mikey caught himself just before he hit the floor, using his arm to steady himself but I was too late and hit my head hard on the floor, feeling the skin break in a way I should now be used to. I moved a hand up to stop the steam of blood and used the other to pull myself up so as to steady the sight in front of me. Not that I was sure I wanted to see it. When the ground stilled, the sight brought stupid tears to my eyes.

Our base lay in ruins and the fires were scattered in the rubble. The walls and ceiling, the floor and windows, the doors and sacred equipment that had been collected for our use were lying broken, crumpled and forgotten in the dust. Dirt and dust seemed to hang around on the ground but refused to settle despite the fact the damage looked to have been done several days ago. The piles of rubble and dirty golden brown of the sand wasn’t enough to hide the bright red which glistened on almost every surface in sight. Bodies lay dismembered and slashed all around, faces turned towards us, accusing and sad. Some heads were without bodies while some limbs seemed to be trying to half pull themselves from the rubble in an effort to find their long lost owners. Just a few metres away lay a large figure, whose body was coated in the dark red colour, bugs and small animals had started to settle around him and flies almost blocked off the face from our view. Almost. Dr DefDefying lay dead just a few feet from us yet no one made any attempt to reach him, to reach any of the rebels. They were all dead; they were long past our help.

There was nothing we could say that would make this any better. We had no water and now our last hope was gone. I couldn’t raise my eyes to look at either one of them because I had failed them as a leader and I couldn’t bear to see my look of despair mirrored back at me. I could hear the sounds of Mikey crying and my heart shattered into a million pieces at my feet, never to be mended again. Our last hope was gone.

Suddenly, gunshots sounded all around us and masked figures leapt on us, pinning us down. I saw two jump onto Ray and watched as one of them used their gun to knock him out, hitting his straight between the eyes. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and his last sight was of my face, panicked and scared, I couldn’t help him. Mikey screamed as the majority of the attackers went for him, pulling him to his feet and pulling his hair back so his tear stained face was visible for them all to see. He looked at me as one of them pointed a gun to his neck and his eyes grew wide. I ignored the attackers as they pulled me to my knees instead focusing on Mikey.

“Poison!” He screamed at me as the hand holding the trigger pushed the gun further into his neck.

“STOP!” A fierce voice came from somewhere in the distance and I watched as the attackers parted to allow a small figure through. His mask was pulled up to his eyes and he walked casually up to the attackers surrounding Mikey and shoved the gun bearer hard so they fell down to the ground with a thud. The others looked shocked as the small figure looked Mikey up and down. He found his belted arm and tutted at the bite, carefully tracing it with his finger, causing Mikey to whimper in fear as what he was about to do.

“Leave him alone!” I was surprised at the strength in my voice and the attackers near me jumped at the volume of it.

The small figure turned his back to Mikey and walked slowly towards me. He pulled at a clump of my hair and I winced at the action. He giggled and my mouth opened at the noise. No, it couldn’t be! He gestured to the others to put me down so that I fell onto my back. He knelt down til his face was an inch from my own and drew his mask from his face with a quick tug from his delicate fingers. His lips moved close to my face and he giggled again at the surprise on my face.

“Hello again, honey!” He whispered.

Frank drew up to his full height and expertly kicked me square in the head so that the world became dark.


End file.
